The Severus Snape Society
by jerri and arona
Summary: Snape's one nightmare as come true: he has a fanclub full of giggly girls who adore him. This means war. Now, Snape has to go to NYC, learn how to be a muggle, and join up with enemies if his is to stop the madness. Chapter 21 is up! Psycho-humor/Humor
1. A Pink Paper

Chapter 1  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: There is a sort of prequel to this. It's not necessary, but it gives background info on Andromeda, and it's a fun story. Its called 'Sourly Smitten Snape.'  
  
  
  
  
  
"Longbottom, I say it again and again, but somehow the words keep going through that tiny little head of yours!" Severus Snap snapped at Neville Longbottom.  
  
"Severus, he's just trying to make the potion, he doesn't need you yelling at him like that." Andromeda Stone said.  
  
The day was cold, and it was obvious nobody wanted to be in the dungeons. Neville was confused a bit more than usual, there were girls talking and giggling in the back of the room, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley looked as though their eyes were on screen saver, and even Hermione was looking eagerly at her watch every so often.  
  
Andromeda Stone was the only DADA teacher that had lasted more than a year. She was slim and blonde, and she always had her hair up in a tight bun. She wore black very often, especially in the colder days.  
  
Severus glowered at the woman to his right, and was about to say something, when the clock on the wall whistled an unknown tune, and signaled that class was over.  
  
Everyone hurried out of the room, except for the pack of giggling girls, who stood around for a moment before leaving. Andromeda eyed them suspiciously as they left, and noticed a piece of paper flutter down to the ground.  
  
Andromeda ran over and picked it up. "Girls!" she called after them. "You forgot your paper!" It was a lost cause. The girls were giggling and talking all the way down the hall, and would have never heard Andromeda.  
  
Andromeda unfolded the paper, thinking maybe it was a piece of homework one of them forgot to hand in. She read the heading of the paper, and quickly realized that it was not homework at all, but a list.  
  
  
  
Severus came out of his office to here Andromeda laughing hysterically, looking down at this tiny scrap of pink paper. "What's so funny?" he asked, walking to Andromeda. Se quickly stopped laughing, and folded the paper back up.  
  
"Nothing." She replied. Severus was unconvinced. "Andromeda." He said. "You are in my classroom and will do as I say."  
  
"You're not going to like it." Andromeda said, as if daring him to read it anyway. "Give it here." He said. He unfolded the paper and read the curly writing. "Top Ten Things I Would Say To Professor Snape if I Got the Chance."  
  
The expression on his face turned quickly from unpleasant to... REALLY unpleasant. "One." He continued. "Boxers or briefs?" Andromeda giggled from where she stood. Severus gave her an evil look.  
  
"Two." He continued. "How does he like his women? Three. Is he into younger women? Four. G-string or- Oh, dear god!"  
  
Andromeda was in hysterics now, doubled over one of the desks and crying in laughter. "This has to be some kind of sexual assault!" Severus exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, Severus," Andromeda replied through her laughing, "Don't be such a spoil sport. They were probably just kidding." His facial expression did not change.  
  
"Or maybe one of the girls has a crush on you." Andromeda mused. Severus was that close to strangling her.  
  
"There is something wrong with this." He said, handing the paper to Andromeda. She folded it back up, and in doing so, noticed a seal on the front.  
  
"SSS, Hogwarts chapter." Andromeda read. "I wonder what that means."  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok, this is where YOU get involved. If you want to be a character in the Severus Snape Society, e-mail me your character's name, features, and traits, and you'll be put in the story as a member of the SSS.  
  
Next chapter: Investigation of the SSS. 


	2. There's A Full Moon Tonight

Chapter 2-  
  
Days went on as usual from then on. Of course, Andromeda kept close watch on the girl in the back row, and Severus constantly acted as though if he made eye contact with one of the girls, they would steal his soul.  
  
One rainy afternoon, Andromeda was sitting in her office, when the same girl who had dropped the list came in.  
  
"Good afternoon." Andromeda said pleasantly.  
  
"Hi." The girl said. "I have a question about last night's homework."  
  
"Oh, all right then." Andromeda said, fetching her notebook. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."  
  
"Elanor Dawn." The girl said. Andromeda recognized her at once as the fifth year who was hyperactive half the time, and lazy the rest. Her hair was in a big, brown, scruffy ponytail, and she was always late to class, mostly from following around Ron Weasley. Andromeda understood at once that Elanor had written the list, as she enjoyed making sexual references whenever she could.  
  
"So." Andromeda said. "What are you having trouble with."  
  
"Um..." Elanor continued, "Actually, I didn't really understand that thing about vampires."  
  
"That," Andromeda replied, "Is because you were trying to steal your one of your friends muffins."  
  
"Right..." Elanor replied, a bit sheepishly.  
  
"This should explain everything." Andromeda said, handing Elanor a paper from her notebook.  
  
"Thanks." Elanor said and turned to leave.  
  
"One minute." Andromeda said. Elanor turned around. "Yes, professor." Elanor asked. "Would you mind telling me what 'SSS' stands for?" Andromeda replied, holding up the pink piece of paper.  
  
Elanor turned white, and her eyes went wide. "Oh god." She squeaked.  
  
"Don't worry," Andromeda said, still pleasantly, "I'm not going to kill you or anything. I'm just curious."  
  
"In that case," Elanor said, stepping forward, "It stands for the Severus Snape Society."  
  
Andromeda tried to suppress a laugh. "Really?" she said, her voice wavering. "And this thing here... The Hogwarts chapter?"  
  
"Yeah." Elanor said, taking the paper from Andromeda. "That's our part of the society. That's a part of the England chapter, which a part of the main thing."  
  
"Really?" she repeated, still filling giggles rising from her stomach. Elanor nodded. "Why?" Elanor asked, excitedly. "Do you wanna join?"  
  
"Oh, no!" Andromeda said quickly. "I was just curious."  
  
"Well," Elanor said, "In case you do, we're having a meeting tomorrow at lunch, if you want to come."  
  
"I'll think about it." Andromeda lied. "Do you have somewhere you need to be?"  
  
"Yeah." Elanor said. "I should get some sleep. I have astronomy tonight. It's a full moon."  
  
Andromeda felt her stomach lurch. It was a full moon. She had completely forgotten. Her giddiness involving the SSS suddenly turned to worry and sadness. As she nodded, and Elanor left, she couldn't help but wonder, 'Where is Remus?'  
  
  
  
  
  
Thanks to Elanor Odd Socks! Keep sending in your characters. Most will be used, unless they are really inappropriate. (It takes A LOT to make me think something is inappropriate, so just keep sending.)  
  
Next chapter: Severus and Andromeda attend a meeting of the SSS. 


	3. Meet Sevina

Chapter 3-  
  
The day passed, and Andromeda found her thoughts drifting back to Remus. She couldn't stand knowing that he was in pain somewhere.  
  
She was thinking just this while she sat in her office, when her thoughts were interrupted by the slam of her office door. She looked up to see Severus storming in.  
  
"Did you find out who wrote that list?" he asked, spitting in rage. A smile broke across Andromeda's face. "Yes." She said. "But I'm not going to tell you who it is."  
  
"You have to." Severus said, making a threatening face.  
  
"Severus," Andromeda said getting up from her chair. "You have to realize that ever since you wrote me that sonnet, I will never, ever be threatened by you. Ever."  
  
Severus grimaced. Yes, he wrote Andromeda a sonnet, but that was almost a year ago. Since then, he had sworn off most women, taking up his new motto, 'I don't trust anything that bleeds for six days and doesn't die.'  
  
"Fine." Severus accepted. "Did you at least find out something useful?"  
  
"Well," Andromeda said, "SSS stands for Severus Snape Society. There's a Hogwarts chapter, an England chapter, and then some kind of world chapter."  
  
She watched for his reaction. He said nothing; he just turned a but paler, if possible.  
  
"Are you ok?" she asked.  
  
"I will be." He said. "Once I kill all the members."  
  
"No, Severus!" Andromeda gasped, rushing to block the doorway. "You can't kill them! Most of them are only children!"  
  
Severus stopped.  
  
"I think." She added. Severus made another dash for the door, but Andromeda pushed him back.  
  
"They're having a meeting tomorrow." She said, still fighting him off. "We can go and see if it's just an innocent fan club."  
  
"How would I be able to get in?" he asked.  
  
"You're the potions professor!" Andromeda resolved. "You must have some kind of Polyjuice potion."  
  
"Yes." Severus said. "I do. But who could I go as?"  
  
"You could go as me." Andromeda said, pulling out a strand of her hair and handing it to him. "Dye your hair, and I could say you're my sister. But only if you PROMISE not to feel yourself up."  
  
Severus made a face at her, and she moved away from the door to let him pass.  
  
"Meet me after lunch!" she called after him. She closed the door. This was going to get weird.  
  
  
  
The next day went slowly, due to the fact that Andromeda didn't like weekends, and she didn't exactly like the idea that they were going to infiltrate a fan club.  
  
She met Severus after lunch in the Great Hall. Or rather, she met herself in the great hall. "This is too creepy." She remarked, looking at Severus like a mirror. He looked exactly like her, but with red hair.  
  
"I would have thought you would have dyed your hair black." She said.  
  
"I tried to." Her voice answered back. "But apparently the dye didn't react well to grease."  
  
  
  
Andromeda and Severus roamed aimlessly down the halls, looking for the room where the SSS was meeting. They eventually spotted a group of girls with SSS patches on their robes and began to follow them.  
  
They followed the girls out into the garden, where they were met by half the Slytherin House, and countless other girls, sitting in a large circle and chatting.  
  
One girl stood in the middle on a podium. She was tall, and her short brown hair was tied up behind her head. Her brown eyes flashed around the circle, looking as though she was taking roll call, and Andromeda recognized her as a Gryffindor. The girl picked up her gavel, and in doing so, Andromeda noticed that her nametag had the SSS symbol on it, and beneath said 'Richal Witbrodt.'  
  
"Order!" Richal bellowed, her voice magically louder. "Order!"  
  
Everyone became quiet.  
  
"You there." Richal said to Andromeda. "Professor Stone! What do you need?"  
  
Andromeda was not used to being spoken to like that, but she knew she was a stranger in strange land.  
  
"I was invited." Andromeda replied.  
  
"That's true." Elanor Dawn said, standing up. "I invited her."  
  
There was a flutter of 'oohs' and whispers. Andromeda was a bit fluttered herself, but she continued. "This is my sister." She said. "Sever- ... Sevina." She saved.  
  
"All right." Richal said. "You may sit."  
  
Andromeda and Severus walked over to some vacant seats and sat down.  
  
"All right." Richal said. "Does anyone have anything to say before we start the meeting?"  
  
A girl stood up, and said, "When you eat olives and drink Diet Coke, it tastes like mustard." The girl sat down.  
  
"Right...." Richal said, writing down something. "Let's get to business. The Severus Snape word of the week is 'charming'."  
  
There was another whoosh of whispers.  
  
Andromeda could here Elanor say, "He's the kind of guy who could literally charm your pants off!"  
  
Andromeda looked over at Severus, who had turned bright red. Gilderoy was right: she did look cute when she was angry.  
  
"And now," Richal continued, "The video tape of the week."  
  
Richal conjured a television set, and turned it on. Immediately, a tape of Severus sleeping came on.  
  
"If you zoom in," Richal said, zooming to the particular groin area of the sleeping Severus picture, "You can see the outline of a thong under the sating sheets."  
  
Andromeda burst out laughing, and other people began looking at her. They obviously took this very seriously. Severus however, stood up and said, "He does NOT wear a thong! They're BOXERS!"  
  
Everyone ignored Andromeda and looked at Severus.  
  
"Sevina," Richal said, "We have the top people in the England chapter working on this. I think they know a bit more than you do."  
  
Severus sat down, truly annoyed.  
  
"Speaking of the England chapter," Richal said, "The annual meeting will take place in New York City this year next week. Please sign up for the rented Knight Bus if you do not have transportation. You may do this now."  
  
  
  
Severus and Andromeda got up to leave. Severus had obviously seen enough, and Andromeda was in a fit of giggles. Andromeda stopped when Richal came over to her.  
  
"Professor Stone," she said, extending her hand. "Are you going to join?"  
  
"I'm not sure." Andromeda said, shaking Richal's hand. "I might not have the time."  
  
"Understandable." Richal said. "Minerva McGonagal didn't have the time either."  
  
Andromeda choked back a laugh.  
  
"Anyway," Richal said, "Do consider it. And by the way, you might want to discourage you sister, Sevina, joining. She doesn't seem to know anything about Severus!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok. That's the chapter. Hope you liked it! Thanks to Richal for the character. Anyway, to more pressing matters, I recently read a review from one Severus Snape. I would like to apologize from making a typo in his name, and furthermore, he revealed, as he so tenderly put it, he does not f*** Andromedas.  
  
Furthermore, to those of you who don't find this original, I never read a fan club fan fiction, and I thought of this on my own. So as far as I go, it's somewhat original. Thanks for reading.  
  
Next chapter: Severus learns how to be a muggle. 


	4. Quack

Chapter Four-  
  
Severus sat in his office while he waited out Andromeda's laughing fit.  
  
"Are you quite done?" Severus asked, as Andromeda conjured a fourteenth tissue and wiped her eyes.  
  
"Yes..." Andromeda gasped. She looked at Severus. "NO!" she laughed, and once again, the viscous cycle came about.  
  
"It wasn't that funny!" Severus exclaimed. "They were a bunch of stupid teenage girls."  
  
"It was hilarious!" Andromeda replied, holding her stomach in pain as she laughed. "I can't believe they take you so seriously! I mean, it's YOU! Did you see the way the analyzed the way you sleep!"  
  
A string of laughs came out again. She then took a deep breath, and gained composure.  
  
"Ok." She breathed. "Now what?"  
  
"Now we kill them all!" Severus growled.  
  
"NO!" she said. "Severus, if they ever found out that I let you come into that meeting, they're likely to crucify me!"  
  
Severus stared blankly at Andromeda. "Then I'm killing two birds with one stone." He replied.  
  
"Thanks." Andromeda replied smugly.  
  
"We have to stop this." Severus said.  
  
"Let me get this straight," Andromeda replied, "One minute you want me dead, the next you want me to help you?"  
  
"Is that so hard to believe?" Severus asked.  
  
"Not really..." Andromeda admitted.  
  
"Good." Severus said. "I need you to help me get into New York City, and for that, I need to act like... a muggle."  
  
Andromeda suddenly had the feeling that she was going to enjoy this.  
  
  
  
"You'll need new clothes." Andromeda said, motioning to his robes. "Let's try this."  
  
She took out her wand and pointed it at Severus. In a flash of smoke, Severus was in a pink tutu and leotard.  
  
"GAAAAH!" Severus screamed. "Is this what Muggles wear in public?"  
  
"Uh... yeah." Andromeda mused. "They also quack a lot and do it to the tune of 'Old McDonald', and they walk in circles. Want to try?"  
  
Severus gave her a look, but entertained the notion. He began walking around in circles, and quacking 'Old McDonald'. Andromeda burst out laughing again.  
  
"Muggles don't really do this, do they?" he asked. Andromeda shook her head.  
  
"You do know that I'm going to kill you, right?" he asked, calmly, knowing that throwing a tantrum in a tutu would only make things worst.  
  
"It would be worth it if you did." Andromeda laughed.  
  
  
  
When the night was over, and Severus had finished yelling at the hysterical Andromeda, she made her way back to her room, her mind still full of the vision of Severus dancing around in a tutu, thinking he was learning to be a muggle.  
  
She sat on her bed and began combing her hair, when she heard a tap at her window. She looked over in time to see her owl, Isabelle, flying through the window and dropping a letter on her bed.  
  
She picked up the envelope, and undid the seal. She opened the envelope and took out the letter. She smiled as she recognized the handwriting of Remus Lupin.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hi, all! Sorry it's so short, but I am tired and jet-lagged. In the next chapter, Severus REALLY learns how to be a muggle, and also learns about Andromeda's fear of flying.  
  
BILLBOARD: This is a plug for my new story, Shakespeare's Harry Potter, in which Shakespeare's classic, 'Much Ado About Nothing', is Hogwarts style. Includes Sirius Black, Hermione, Remus, Dumbledore, Harry, Draco and, my favorite character to write about, Gilderoy. 


	5. The New and Improved Severus

Chapter 5-  
  
Andromeda read the letter from Remus happily. It had been a very long time since they had spoken face to face to each other, but none the less, the letter was a happy turn of events.  
  
The letter informed her that Remus would be visiting Dumbledore that very week, and that he looked forward to seeing her again. Andromeda finished reading, folding the letter back up, and took up a quill and some parchment. She began writing:  
  
"Dear Remus- I can't wait to see you! It's been too long. However, this week I am attempting to teach Severus to be a muggle. You're welcome to help if you'd like; your experience in the muggle world would be helpful. There's a lot more to the situation than that, but it's a bit confusing to discuss in a letter. I await your arrival eagerly! Love always- Andromeda"  
  
Andromeda read the letter back to herself. 'Love always' she had written. If only it was that easy. You see, a while back, Severus, Remus and Gilderoy had fought over Andromeda, and she had to do the horrible task of choosing one of them. Of course, she was under some kind of potion; or else Gilderoy would completely be out of the question.  
  
She fooled the men into believing the potion had worn off, but the truth was that she couldn't break their hearts. The truth was, she loved Remus with all her heart. But she never told him, and they remained good friends.  
  
  
  
Severus was still sulking about the dungeons when Andromeda met him downstairs.  
  
"Good morning, Severus." Andromeda said as she closed the door to his office. "You're not still mad about yesterday, are you?"  
  
Severus gave her a glare. "Let's just say I'm considering letting the SSS crucify you."  
  
"I love you, too." Andromeda replied, sitting down. "Are you ready to learn what it's REALLY like to be a muggle?"  
  
"Yes," Severus said, "If you're REALLY ready to each me. No more nonsense."  
  
"All right then." Andromeda stood up again. "The first thing you need is muggle clothing." Severus gave her a look. "REAL muggle clothing." She corrected.  
  
Andromeda walked around him, observing his posture, height, and everything you might need to know when looking for clothes. "I really don't think black's your color." Andromeda said.  
  
"Perhaps charcoal." She mused, and she took out her wand. In a puff of smoke, Severus stood no longer in his black robes, but a charcoal dinner jacket, black pants, and a white dress shirt.  
  
Andromeda conjured a mirror. "What do you think?" she asked. Severus took a look at the mirror. "Are you sure this is how Muggles dress?" he asked.  
  
"The ones I've seen on Wall Street do." She replied. "Now we need to do something about your hair..."  
  
"NO!" Severus exclaimed, stepping back. "I don't trust you with scissors!"  
  
"Fine." Andromeda pouted. "Then I'll use this." She held up her wand, and in another puff of smoke, Severus's hair was a bright pink Mohawk. "Oh, dear." Andromeda said, making sure she was standing in front of the mirror so Severus couldn't see.  
  
"What?" Severus asked suspiciously.  
  
"NOTHING!" Andromeda said, and se pointed her wand at him again. This time, when the smoke cleared, the Mohawk was gone. Severus's hair was considerably shorter than before, still black, and still greasy. Still, it looked more muggle-y.  
  
"How does it look?" Severus asked.  
  
"It looks different." Andromeda said. "But I can still see my reflection in your hair."  
  
Just as Severus was about to make a reply, the door swung open, and in walked Elanor Dawn and her friends, Jackie and Savannah.  
  
Jackie was a bit taller than Elanor, and she sported brown hair and green eyes. She was described by her friends as 'insane', and it was obvious that she went out of her way to annoy Snape.  
  
Savannah was quiet the contrast from Jackie, who had red hair and blue eyes. She was a beater on the Slytherin team, and surely gave Gryffindor a run for their money. Despite her being in Slytherin, Snape still wasn't fond of her, due to the fact that her last name, Flockhart, rhymed with 'Lockhart'.  
  
"Yes, girls?" Andromeda asked. But they didn't hear her. They were too busy ogling Snape, and his brand new look.  
  
"GIRLS!" Andromeda yelled, snapping the trio out of their trance.  
  
"Sorry." Savannah said, coming forward. "Richal told us to bring this to you." She told Andromeda, still not looking away from Severus, and handing her a packet.  
  
"What is it?" Andromeda asked.  
  
Elanor surfaced from Jackie's backpack, from which she was stealing a sandwich, and replied, "It's the hotel arrangements for the SSS trip this week."  
  
"All right," Andromeda said, looking the papers over.  
  
Severus flinched at the mention of the SSS, but still tried to keep his movements to a minimum, knowing Jackie loved to mimic everything he did.  
  
"Is that all?" Andromeda asked.  
  
There was no reply. They were once again watching Snape.  
  
"IS THAT ALL?" Andromeda repeated.  
  
"Yeah!" Elanor said, popping back out of the trance. "See ya later!"  
  
Andromeda shut the door behind the girls and turned back to Severus. "That was interesting." She remarked.  
  
"What do those papers say?" Severus growled.  
  
"They just say which hotel I'm staying in, and who I stay with." She replied. "It says I'm in a room with Andrea Pacey, she's a Slytherin, someone named Bunnie... she's not from here... Ramar Raven... she graduated from Hogwarts four years ago."  
  
"Where am I going to stay?" Severus asked.  
  
"I don't know... we'll have to get reservations at another hotel."  
  
"How are we going to get there?" he asked.  
  
Andromeda fidgeted a bit. "We're going on a plane." She gulped.  
  
"What's so bad about planes?" he asked.  
  
"I'm a bit frightened of them." She said sheepishly.  
  
Severus was taken aback. He had never known Andromeda to be afraid of much of anything.  
  
"Anyway." Andromeda said, changing the subject. "I'd better get to class. I guess I'll see you tonight, then?"  
  
Severus nodded and watched her go. He looked in the mirror again. He couldn't believe this is really what Muggles wear.  
  
  
  
Hi, all. Boy, am I tired! Jet lag deserves to DIE! I'm sick today, so I took work off, and I'm sitting here typing and watching this American show, Invader Zim, and of course, my favourite movie in the whole world, "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I recently visited the USA and saw NYC for myself, so I did my research, thank you very much.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: Remus comes to visit, bringing along an unpleasant surprise, Severus and Andromeda continue training, and Severus gets drunk on the plane. Fun, fun, fun. 


	6. An Unpleasant Twist

Chapter 6-  
  
"Ok, now what do we say when we want to hail a cab?"  
  
"Stick out my wand."  
  
"NO!" Andromeda said, frustrated. "Severus, we've gone over this."  
  
Andromeda and Severus had been down in the dungeons practicing the muggle act, and it wasn't going very well.  
  
"It's not just my fault!" Severus snapped. "YOU were being stupid before!"  
  
"Hey!" Andromeda cried. The truth was, Andromeda wasn't being stupid, she was being immature. Every time Severus said 'I stick out my wand', she had a fit of giggles, as I have now as I type this.  
  
"Let's just get on with it." Andromeda said. "You hold out your hand and say 'taxi'. Ok?"  
  
"All right." Severus said. "Now what?"  
  
"Let's see... What haven't we covered?" she said to herself. "Oh, yes. Don't kill anyone. It's as illegal there as it is here."  
  
"Then really, what's the bloody point of going?" Severus asked, crestfallen. Andromeda took a step back.  
  
"We can stop this without using violence, Severus." Andromeda replied. Severus was about to say something, but the door swung open, and in walked Rubeus Hagrid, Hogwarts groundskeeper.  
  
"Andromeda," Hagrid said happily. (NOTE TO READER: I wanted to use 'jollily', but I don't think that's a word. So, to the reader, he is not at all happy, but instead, jolly. Anyway...)  
  
"Andromeda," Hagrid said happily, "Professor Lupin is here to see you."  
  
Andromeda face lit up. "Wonderful." She said, turning to Hagrid. "I'll be right up."  
  
"I'll tell 'im." Hagrid said, in his usual screwed up voice that my spell-check hates. And with that, he left.  
  
"He's here?" Severus said darkly. "What does he want?"  
  
"Dumbledore wants to see him about something." Andromeda said, grabbing her coat from Severus's desk. "Do you want to come up and say hi?"  
  
"Do I have a way of getting out of this humiliating muggle-making process?" he asked.  
  
"No." she replied.  
  
Severus sighed. "Then I might as well."  
  
  
  
  
  
Andromeda and Severus quickly made their way up to the entrance hall, where sure enough, Remus Lupin was waiting for them.  
  
"Remus!" Andromeda said, walking up to him. They embraced. "It's been way too long! What have you been doing?"  
  
"Same old, I guess." Remus replied. "Except for one thing."  
  
Remus pulled away from Andromeda. "There's someone very special I'd like you to meet."  
  
Remus went out of the castle, leaving a very confused Andromeda. He came back a few minutes later with a beautiful woman on his arm.  
  
'Please be his sister..." Andromeda pleaded silently.  
  
"Andromeda," Remus said, still smiling. "This is my fiancée, Gloria."  
  
Andromeda's lips kept smiling, but only out of severe shock. She felt an awful feeling in her stomach; like it was trying to get out through her mouth. She felt dizzy, and she turned white. Severus sensed this, and hurriedly made up a plan.  
  
"That's wonderful," Severus said, "Andromeda forgot to take her medication. One moment please." Severus took the frozen arm of Andromeda, and quickly pulled her out of the hall and into a classroom.  
  
"Andromeda?" he said. "Are you alive in there?"  
  
There was only a squeak as a response, as a single tear slid down her pale face.  
  
"Andromeda!" Severus said, shaking her. "I am not the one to cry in front of!"  
  
"Uh... neither are we." A voice said from the classroom. Severus and Andromeda looked to their right and saw an entire class equipped with a teacher, and many confused looks.  
  
"Oh god..." Severus said. "Excuse us." He pushed Andromeda into the hallway.  
  
"Andromeda, PLEASE snap out of this! YOU'RE MAKING ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!"  
  
Andromeda's face suddenly regained color, but the tear running down her cheek suddenly turned into many.  
  
"Oh, Severus! What am I going to do?" she cried. "I can't go back in there!"  
  
"Why not?" Severus asked. "It's just Remus... Oh. It's Remus. You... love him, don't you?"  
  
She nodded. "Mmm hmm." She squeaked.  
  
"Andromeda, I can't help you." Severus said.  
  
"Yes you can!" Andromeda said frantically, as if just thinking of something. "You need to look up a number in my Rolodex and call someone. I know someone who owes me big time. He'll help."  
  
"Who is this person you speak of?" Severus asked, a bit frightened.  
  
Andromeda turned a green shade. "Gilderoy Lockhart." She said.  
  
  
  
Andromeda went back to Remus and Gloria alone, and Severus went down to call Gilderoy. "Sorry about that." She said as she greeted the duo. "I'm a bit under the weather."  
  
"Oh, you look awful." Gloria said, a bit happier than she probably should have.  
  
"Thank you." Andromeda said, fighting the impulses to give her a beating. She looked down at her watch.  
  
"Are you in a hurry?" Gloria asked.  
  
"No. I'm just waiting for my-..." she was cut off by a puff of smoke next to her, and a fanfare of trumpets.  
  
"Hello, all!" Gilderoy Lockhart now stood in the hall. "And what can I do for you, my wonderful snookums?" he said, turning to Andromeda.  
  
"For one, you can stop calling me that." Andromeda said through her teeth. "Gloria, Remus. I'd like you to meet..." she held back a gag.  
  
"My fiancé."  
  
  
  
  
  
Hello. I'm still sick and all gross and groggy. My schedule is as follows: sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, watch 'Ghostbusters' for the 300th time, sleep, sleep, eat, sleep, write, do my comic, sleep. Aren't I interesting? Anyway, that's about it. *cough * visit my web-site *cough *  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: I know, Gilderoy is horrible, but I LOVE writing for him. He won't be in much longer. Andromeda and Severus go to New York, but Gloria insists on tagging along when Remus tries to help teach Severus. And the number one reason for reading the next chapter: SEVRUS GETS DRUNK! And if you've read 'Harry Potter: The Soap Opera', you know how bloody fun that can be! 


	7. Airplane

Chapter 7-  
  
  
  
Andromeda fell down onto her bed and cried. She felt horrible, not only because she had lied to Remus, or because he was getting married, but because she had said she was engaged to Gilderoy. She had washed her mouth out countless time with a disgusting tasting bar of soap, but in vain. She still felt absolutely horrible.  
  
Gilderoy was now convinced that he and Andromeda really were married, no matter how many times she told him that it was a sham.  
  
There was a sudden knock on the door. "Come in." Andromeda said, really not wanting to see anybody."  
  
The door opened, and in walked Gilderoy, holding up what looked like a "Macy's" catalogue. "Gilderoy," Andromeda said, "What do you want?"  
  
"I wanted to show you what I think we should register for." Gilderoy said happily.  
  
"Gilderoy." Andromeda said, massaging her temples, "We are NOT getting married."  
  
Gilderoy looked puzzled. "But you said-..."  
  
"Forget what I said!" Andromeda said firmly. "We are NOT getting married. Never ever! EVER!"  
  
"Never ever?" Gilderoy asked.  
  
"Just get out of my room." Andromeda said, falling back down on her bed. She heard Gilderoy's footsteps go outside, and the door closed. Andromeda then drifted into a restless sleep.  
  
  
  
Andromeda and Severus were ready to get to the airport the next morning, when Remus and Gloria met them outside.  
  
"Don't you think we should come with you?" Remus asked. "Just for Severus's muggle lessons?"  
  
"You might as well." Andromeda said. "We could use the company. It's just going to be me, Severus, and a bunch of giggly girls."  
  
"All right then." Remus said, and Gloria smiled. Andromeda winced at her bright white teeth, but said nothing.  
  
  
  
"Oh god..." Andromeda screamed as she sat in her airplane seat. "What was that noise? OH GOD! WHAT DOES THAT NOISE MEAN?!"  
  
"Andromeda," Severus growled, "We haven't even taken off yet."  
  
"Would either of you like something to drink?" The flight attendant asked.  
  
"I'll have anything stronger than 80 proof." Severus said, trying to keep Andromeda from jumping out of the plane.  
  
  
  
"Severus?" Andromeda said, about six hours after the flight took off. "Are you ok?"  
  
Severus was a bit tipsy. "I'm good. How are you?"  
  
"Severus, I'll be frank with you." Andromeda began.  
  
"Ok." Severus interrupted. "I'll be Ben."  
  
"Surely, You've had enough to drink." Andromeda said, trying to get Severus's bottle away from him.  
  
"I'm not Shirley." Severus replied. "I'm Ben, remember?"  
  
"You're not Ben." Andromeda said, looking behind her seat to see Remus and Gloria snuggling sickeningly. She couldn't help but think that it should have been her.  
  
"You know what?" Severus asked, getting up. "I think I want some cheesecake."  
  
"No, Severus." Andromeda said, pulling Severus back down. "You haven't been good. You can't have any cheesecake.  
  
"Oh... I want cheesecake! PLEASE? I'll be good!" he pleaded.  
  
"Severus, you're embarrassing me!" Andromeda said, looking out the window, just in time to see the statue of Liberty.  
  
"We're here." Andromeda told Severus, who had just harassed a flight attendant.  
  
  
  
  
  
I know it's short, but I am working on my website all the time now, and have little time for anything else. Also, a note to the Surgeon General: if you don't like it don't read it. If you don't like it, don't review it. Don't waste your time. I love the rest of you. Any more SSS girls out there are welcome to send me profiles! Love and fishes- Jerri 


	8. Airport Fiasco

Chapter 8-  
  
"You know what, Andromeda?" Severus drunkenly babbled, "Riboflavin is a really funny word."  
  
"I know, Severus... I mean, Ben." Andromeda said in monotone. They were sitting in the baggage claim area of the airport as Remus tried to find the bags.  
  
"Where did the other one go?" Severus asked. Andromeda assumed he was referring to Gloria.  
  
"She's probably throwing up that bag of peanuts she ate on the plane." Andromeda spat out viciously.  
  
"I was talking about that big purple Gumi-bear." Severus replied.  
  
"In that case, I don't know." Andromeda said, her eyes fluttering lazily around the room, trying to find something interesting to look at, other than the sick, drunk Severus that was in the process of writing a rather repetitive song entitled, "Me and the Giant Gumi Bear."  
  
Andromeda recognized many Slytherin girls in the airport, and she tried to block Severus from their view best as possible. One, however, did notice him.  
  
"Professor Snape? Professor Stone?" she said, rushing over. The girl was tall and scrawny, and she had intimidating eyes: silver with gold pupils. Her nametag read "Ramar Raven." Andromeda recognized her as a sneaky Slytherin from Hogwarts years ago.  
  
"Good morning, Ramar." Andromeda said. "How are you?"  
  
"Fine, Professor." She said, a bit moodily, much like Severus when he wasn't drunk. "What is wrong with Professor Snape?"  
  
"I think I lost my magic car that runs on dreams and rainbows." Severus told Ramar, who just gave him a strange look, and then looked at Andromeda for a response.  
  
"He's a bit... tipsy." Andromeda said. "Planes don't agree with him."  
  
"Oh." Ramar said. "I'd better be going. The bus will be leaving soon. By the way, what are you doing in New York, Professor?"  
  
Andromeda had to think fast, so she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. "Severus wanted to go to the Star Trek convention."  
  
Ramar gave a weird look, turned on her heal, and left.  
  
Suddenly, there was a huge rumble from the baggage claim machine- dealy, and everyone started gathering around it. Something had clogged the machine, and the room started filling with smoke. Something burst, and from the machine fell... Gilderoy.  
  
"Oh my God." Andromeda whispered as she rushed to the baggage claim. "What are you doing here?" she asked him as she pulled him off the trolley.  
  
"I thought that New York is the perfect place to have our wedding!" Gilderoy happily exclaimed.  
  
"I'm going to kill you." Andromeda told him.  
  
"You best save all THAT aggression for the wedding night, my love." Gilderoy said with a coy smile.  
  
Andromeda was too horrified at that comment to say anything in reply, so she kicked him in the shin, and left the baggage claim as fast as possible.  
  
  
  
Andromeda dragged Severus through the airport, not caring where their luggage was, only wanting to get away from Gilderoy. As they walked along, Severus was reciting adverts.  
  
"Look, Andromeda!" he said, "Double mint gum is fresh and longer lasting! And look at that! I'm not fully clean until I'm zestfully clean!"  
  
Andromeda stopped and turned to Severus. "Ben, do we need a time out?"  
  
"No, ma'am." He said, trying his best to conceal that half-full bottle of brandy he swiped from the airplane.  
  
"Now, where are we?" she said, turning to an airport map. "We are here," she pointed to where they were, "And we have to go here." She pointed to the exit. "Severus... I mean, Ben, did we pass a TCBY on the way here?"  
  
There was no response. "Severus?" She turned around. Severus was no one to be found.  
  
  
  
  
  
OH GOD! Drunk Severus on the loose?! Be afraid... Anyway, next chapter, Andromeda finds Severus and checks into the hotel in which she meets many SSS girls. 


	9. Welcome to the Insanity

Chapter 9-  
  
"Ben?!" Andromeda called out frantically, running through the airport. Severus was nowhere to be found, but she followed the trail of mortified people to get to him.  
  
She finally spotted him, in the airport J. Crew store, making sock puppets out of designer socks.  
  
"Severus! What are you doing?" Andromeda exclaimed, rushing to his side.  
  
"Shh!" he replied. "I'm putting on a show for my new friends!" He pointed to the dummies in J. Crew clothing.  
  
"Right." Andromeda said, rolling her eyes. "Severus, you're going to be so embarrassed about his when you get sober."  
  
Andromeda dragged Severus out of the store and ignored the people staring at her. She was about to go through the exit, when she heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Andromeda, wait for us!" It was Remus and Gloria. She had completely forgotten about them.  
  
"Hi." She said, not realizing that the automatic door was opening and closing continuously on Severus's head. "I completely forgot about you! Sorry!"  
  
"What's wrong with Severus?" Remus asked, watching Severus's head turn black and blue between the doors. (SLAM! "Ow." SLAM "Ow." SLAM! "Ow." Etc.)  
  
"He's very drunk." Andromeda replied. "I found him in J. Crew."  
  
"Did you know that Gilderoy followed us here?" Remus asked.  
  
"Gilderoy Lockhart?" Gloria asked, a huge smile on her face. "You mean, THE Gilderoy Lockhart?"  
  
"The one and only." Andromeda said in monotone.  
  
"He's SO dreamy!" Gloria said, putting her hands on her heart.  
  
Andromeda didn't know what horrified her most: The fact that Gloria fancied Gilderoy, or the fact that she used the word 'dreamy.'  
  
"Well..." Remus said, a bit horrified himself, "We should probably get Severus to a hotel before his skull explodes."  
  
"Riboflavin." Severus said wearily.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
(NOTE: I'm going to end the sequence with that little dealy for now on because I think it's pretty.)  
  
~*~  
  
Andromeda and Severus went to the hotel while Remus and Gloria went to find their own, away from the throng of teen-age girls. "Welcome to the Hilton." The somewhat too perky hotel receptionist said. "How may I help you?"  
  
"We need one regular room, and I'm with the SSS." Andromeda said.  
  
"Can I have a room with a moose?" Severus asked.  
  
Andromeda hit him over the head, and he was silent again.  
  
"Are you Andromeda Stone?" the receptionist asked.  
  
"Yes." She replied.  
  
"There was a man here earlier who said to move you into the honeymoon sweet. Is that correct?"  
  
Andromeda grew livid. She quickly glanced around the room, hoping not to see the blindingly white smile of Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
"That information is NOT correct." Andromeda said. "I'm still here with the SSS and I want to put a restraining order on the man who said to change my information."  
  
~*~ (yey!)  
  
  
  
"Ok, Severus." Andromeda said, dragging the potions master into his hotel room. "Remember what we discussed?"  
  
"I'm going to stay here and not make any trouble or you will blackmail me when I'm sober again." Severus replied, sitting down on the couch.  
  
"Good." Andromeda said, putting Severus's bag by the bed. "I think it's best that I take the key to the liquor cabinet for now..."  
  
She picked up the shiny brass key that sat by the cabinet.  
  
"YOU CAN'T!" Severus said, ready to pounce on her. She was too quick for him, and she rushed out the door and slammed it shut. Severus, being to drunk to notice he could in fact open the door, pounded on it yelling, "Give it back! You can't leave me here! You can't!"  
  
"Oh, but I have." Andromeda said, putting the key in her purse. "I'll be back to check on you later."  
  
She looked at her hotel key. Room 890. She shrugged and made her way to the nearest elevator and pressed the 'up' button.  
  
She heard the elevator bell ring, and gasped at what she saw inside.  
  
In the elevator stood at least 10 girls dressed in black robes and hats, and had gold nametags that read their names and said "SSS".  
  
She recognized a few of them, including Ramar Raven, who she saw at the airport.  
  
One of the girls held the door open, and said, "Going up?" Andromeda nodded and wearily stepped on the elevator, knowing she was going to get more information that she needed on the way up to the eighth floor. ~*~  
  
  
  
Hi, all. There it is. Hope I didn't disappoint you or anything. Next chapter should be up soon. But in the meantime there's always SOMETHING you could do. *cough * visit my website *cough *  
  
Anyway, NEXT CHAPTER: Andromeda and the SSS girls get acquainted, and stuck in an elevator. 


	10. Severus Wakes Up

Andromeda breathed in heavily as she stood in the cramped elevator. There had to be eleven different SSS members, all different sizes and types. Some were familiar, from Hogwarts. Others were new people that Andromeda had yet to meet. Andromeda quickly flashed her eyes to the warning sign on the elevator that read, 'Maximum of 10 people.' She took in a deep breath as the elevator went up.  
  
She shuffled in her place. All around her was the twittering of the SSS girls, all babbling on about their non-existent love life with their potions master. Andromeda gazed around, trying to hide her curiosity.  
  
Andromeda recognized some of the girls from Hogwarts. There was Richal, and Ramar, who were two previous acquaintances. She saw a girl named Jade and her friend Bunnie who were in her Friday classes.  
  
Andromeda took a deep breath, praying to whoever would listen that this would be a quick elevator ride. That was when the elevator came to a halt right between floors thirteen and fourteen.  
  
~*~  
  
By this time, Severus had escaped from his room and was exploring the vast space that was New York City. He was about to break out into song, when he saw a sign that read, "All You Can Eat French Cuisine." Due to his drunkenness, Severus waddled inside the restaurant.  
  
Severus was seated and opened his menu.  
  
"What would you like for an entrée, sir?" The waiter said, hurriedly coming over, as I have been under the impression that most American waiters do.  
  
"I'll have the poison." Severus said, pointing to his menu.  
  
"Sir," the waiter said, a bit confused. "That's 'Poisson'. It's French for 'Fish.'"  
  
"I see." Severus said, making a 'thinking' face. "Then I'll have the... poison..."  
  
The waiter slapped his forehead. "Sir." The waiter said, a bit more forceful, "That's not poison, it's fish. Do you want the fish?"  
  
"Not really." Severus said, bored.  
  
"Than what do you want?" The waiter asked.  
  
"I thought I made my self clear!" Severus piped up.  
  
"We don't have poison, sir!" The waiter bellowed.  
  
"So you don't have poison."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Than what exactly DO you have?"  
  
~*~  
  
Andromeda clutched on to the railing of the elevator. "What the hell was that?" Jade asked, her eyes wide.  
  
"I think the elevator stopped." Bunnie explained.  
  
"Thanks, Sherlock." A tall girl with the nametag that read Magana said, turning to Bunnie. Bunnie gave Magana a look of pure arrogance, and turned back to her original conversation.  
  
"Well, what are we going to do?" Jackie asked. "We can't stay here for too long!"  
  
"Is there a phone?" Jade asked.  
  
"It's... disconnected." A girl called Adrian stuttered, holding up a disconnected phone, and concealing what was undoubtedly a pair of scissors behind her robes.  
  
"What did you do?!" Richal exclaimed.  
  
"I tried to fix it!" Adrian cried.  
  
"With scissors?"  
  
"Leave me alone!"  
  
"Would you both be quiet!" A voice broke the conversation.  
  
Everyone looked back to Ramar who was still in the corner.  
  
"We'll send someone out to climb above the lift and onto the next floor. Shouldn't be too hard." She said.  
  
"I nominate Professor Stone," Richal said, "Considering she got to live out most of her life, and we're just getting into ours."  
  
Andromeda turned around, to see a bunch of scowling girls looking in her general direction. There were two choices for her at this point: one, go up above the elevator with Ramar and risk her life fixing the elevator and get smushed at the top of the building. Two: stay behind and get the crap beat out of her by a bunch of Snape-loving psychopaths. Andromeda thought for a moment.  
  
She was about to say something along the lines of, 'No thanks', but then something dropped from one of the girl's handbags. It was a book entitled, 'The Andromeda Stone Hate Group.'  
  
Andromeda gasped and hurriedly ran over to Ramar to help her up and out of the elevator.  
  
~*~  
  
By now, Snape had passed out in the very heart of Grand Central Station, and, as the New Yorkers did when this happened to me, people walked passed him and one person even stepped on him. That person was taught his lesson, when Severus made an intimidating squeak when stepped on. Don't defy the squeak...  
  
Anyway, Severus suddenly awoke in a puddle of his own drool, (charming) looking up at the amazing ceiling of Grand Central Station.  
  
"Am I in heaven?" Severus managed to say.  
  
"No." A passing New Yorker said, "You're in New York!" "Not again!" Severus grumbled, getting up. He looked around the room. 'Surrounded by Muggles.' He thought, sneering. 'Where is that harpee?' He added, referring to Andromeda. Last time he saw her, she was freaking out on the plane.  
  
Severus walk out of the station with a swish of his robes, (sigh), and tried to think up where to go next. "If I was a psychopathic pyromaniac female," Severus muttered, "Where would I be?" The obvious answer was New York, but in this situation, that wasn't helpful.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sorry it took so long! I thought it was up, and then it wasn't, so I really hope its up now. Next chapter, Andromeda and Ramar try to fix the elevator, and the sober Severus is lost in New York. 


	11. Elevator Extravaganza!

Chapter 11-  
  
Andromeda's arms were very, very sore from climbing into the elevator shaft, and the last thing she wanted to do was fix that stupid elevator to the little sanity the occupants inside it had.  
  
"Ok." Andromeda said to Ramar. "Let's just get this over with." Andromeda looked down. Considering the movie she saw on the plane was 'Speed', this was not one of her favorite places to be.  
  
"Come on!" Jade said from the elevator. "We're going stir crazy in here!"  
  
"It frightens me to think they could get any more psychotic than they already are." Ramar commented, looking up to see how far up the next floor was.  
  
Andromeda didn't hear her; she was too busy preventing a heart attack. "We're pretty high up." Andromeda said.  
  
"And we're going to have to go higher," Ramar said, pointing up. "The next floor is up there."  
  
Andromeda looked up. Sure enough, she could see the elevator doors about four yards above her. "How are we going to get up there?" Andromeda asked, knowing the answer, but not wanting to.  
  
"We'll have to climb the cables." Ramar confirmed, grabbing on to the cables sticking out of the elevator.  
  
"Great." Andromeda said under her breath. She followed suit, and grabbed onto a cable.  
  
~*~  
  
What was it Andromeda had told Severus to do if he wanted a taxi? Severus was pondering this on the side of Broadway, but he couldn't come to a conclusion. Was he supposed to stick out his wand? No, Andromeda laughed at that.  
  
"Severus?" A voice called. Severus recognized the voice, so his natural reaction was to walk away very fast, and pretend he didn't hear it. But the body of the voice was too fast for him. Next thing Severus knew, Remus Lupin and Gilderoy Lockhart were standing by him.  
  
"What are you doing out here?" Remus asked him. Severus was about to answer, but he noticed that Remus had Gilderoy by the collar, and Gilderoy was wearing handcuffs.  
  
"Might I ask what Lockhart is doing?" Severus asked with a sneer.  
  
"I had to bail him out of jail." Remus said, giving Lockhart a disapproving look.  
  
"It was an autograph signing!" Gilderoy said, trying to fold his arms despite his handcuffs.  
  
"Let's just say he's banned from every night club in the tri-state area." Remus said, giving Severus the hint that he didn't want to know.  
  
"I see." Severus said. "And where is that strumpet of yours?" he added, referring to Gloria.  
  
"Where is Gloria, anyway?" Remus asked Gilderoy, forgetting that Severus had called his fiancée a strumpet.  
  
Gilderoy shrugged, getting even more tangled up in his handcuffs. "Don't they take the handcuffs off after you're let out of prison?" Severus asked.  
  
"Severus," Remus said, "Do you really think it would be wise to inflict Gilderoy on the public?"  
  
"Right." Severus said. "Anyway- did Andromeda tell you what hotel she's staying at?"  
  
"We were just on our way there." Remus said. "I need to lock Gilderoy in the mini-bar. You can come along if you'd like."  
  
Of course Severus 'didn't like' but he certainly didn't want to sit on the end of Broadway and contemplate the nonsense Andromeda had fed him about what Muggles were like.  
  
~*~  
  
By now, Andromeda and Ramar were half way up to the next floor. They would have been nearer to the top, but the SSS girls kept shaking the elevator whenever one of them went momentarily stir crazy.  
  
"So- grr..." Andromeda said, trying to make conversation while pulling herself up the cable. "Why are you- uhg- in the SSS, anyway? You don't seem to be- ow- nearly a psychotic about Severus as the rest of them."  
  
"That's just because- ow- my interest in Professor Snape is genuine." Ramar replied. "I really do think he's- grr- handsome and charmingly sarcastic."  
  
"And- uhg- the other girls don't think that way?" Andromeda asked.  
  
"Not really." Ramar said. "You've- ow- heard them. It's all sexual innuendoes."  
  
Andromeda nodded the best she could. "Well," she said, "I'm glad someone-..." Andromeda's sentence was cut off just as the elevator doors opened.  
  
~*~  
  
Severus was seeing Gilderoy to his room to make sure he didn't burn the hotel room on his way up. He was also going to check his room for pointy objects that Gilderoy could choke on.  
  
They were passing by the elevators when Gilderoy suddenly burst out, "What does this button do?"  
  
Gilderoy jabbed the elevator's 'up' button, and the doors burst open, revealing Andromeda Stone and Ramar Raven, clinging on to the cable for dear life.  
  
"Sweetie Pumpkin!" Gilderoy exclaimed, "What are you doing in there? An elevator shaft is no place for a lady!"  
  
"Gilderoy!" Andromeda said. "I am so glad to see you!"  
  
"Really, sweetie pumpkin?" he asked.  
  
"I feel safer when you're in plain view." Andromeda quipped. "Help us out of here!"  
  
Severus heard the familiar voice of Andromeda, and quickly rushed over to Gilderoy. He looked into the shaft and, sure enough, there was Andromeda and another SSS member.  
  
"Severus!" Andromeda exclaimed. "Get us out of here!"  
  
"Why?" Severus asked. "So you can humiliate me as you like again?"  
  
"Severus, I'm sorry, but this isn't the time!" Andromeda said. "Gilderoy pressed the up button, the elevator could be coming up any second now!"  
  
"Only if you let me deal with the SSS in my own way!" Severus said.  
  
"No killing, Severus!" Andromeda said quickly.  
  
"Fine. No killing." Severus said, a hint of disappointment in his voice.  
  
"Hurry, Severus, the elevator's coming!" Andromeda said with urgency.  
  
Gilderoy, however, who heard none of this conversation, continued staring at the beautiful light of the 'up' button, and decided it might glow brighter if he pressed it again. Then he heard a voice in his ear that said, "Push the button, Gilderoy. See what happens if you push the button."  
  
"Gilderoy, what are you doing?" Severus asked, noticing Gilderoy's finger moving closer to the up button.  
  
"Gilderoy!" Andromeda screamed, "Don't you dare!"  
  
But it was too late, the elevator moved up, and it caught Andromeda and Ramar as it came up. But it didn't stop. It kept going up and up and up, hurling Andromeda and Ramar to the very top of the building, where it was likely they would be smushed into jelly.  
  
"Gilderoy, what have you done?!" exclaimed, pushing Gilderoy aside and looking up the elevator shaft, thinking of a plan.  
  
"I know," Gilderoy said with a little laugh, "You'd think it would glow more. Stupid button."  
  
  
  
  
  
That's it. Sorry this one took long too. Oh well... Chamber of Secrets is coming out in four days! Woohoo! I made a shirt that has Snape's picture on it, it says 'Severus Snape Society' and then it has their motto underneath. I'm so proud... (sniff) Anyway, next chapter Andromeda and Ramar have to think fast to keep from being jelly-fied. 


	12. Jelly No More

Chapter 12-  
  
The elevator zoomed up the floors, coming closer and closer to the big, metal ceiling where Andromeda and Ramar would become witch jelly, which, unlike grape jelly and strawberry jelly, is not tasty or easy to make at all.  
  
"We're gonna die!" Andromeda panicked, clutching on to the elevator. "And I didn't return those books to the library."  
  
Ramar gave her friend a skeptical look. "Maybe impending doom has made us a bit crazy." She said, once again looking up to see how many floors were left to go.  
  
~*~  
  
Severus had to think fast. Andromeda and Ramar had only seconds before the elevator collided with the ceiling. He hurriedly fetched his wand from his pocket, and pointed it to the general area of the top of the elevator cables.  
  
"Disectos!" Severus said, and a blue bolt of energy erupted from his wand, and hit the top cable, just as Mr. Elevator hit Mr. Huge-ass Metal Ceiling.  
  
Andromeda and Ramar gasped a sigh of relief. However, this is when I bring in a little experiment to mind. There was once this guy, minding his own business, and sitting under an apple tree. All the sudden, an apple pops off a branch, and hits the guy in the head. After much unnecessary swearing and useless ranting, he decided that there was a reason the apple didn't stay in the tree. The reason: gravity.  
  
Let's call the apple 'elevator', and our friend, the guy, 'doom.' Guess what happens next.  
  
Just as the apple did from the tree, the elevator began to fall at an unbelievably fast rate to the bottom of the hotel. As the elevator whizzed past where Gilderoy and Severus stood, Gilderoy yelled quick, "Hello!" and a wave down the shaft as Ramar and Andromeda screamed.  
  
Severus quickly disapparated down to the last floor of the hotel and opened the doors to the doomed elevator. He waited for the exact moment that it would hit. Just a few more seconds... three... two...  
  
"Wingardium Leviosa!" Severus bellowed, and just as the apple was about to meet Mr. Newton, the elevator stopped, and the doors opened.  
  
"That was so cool!" Jackie said, emerging from the elevator.  
  
"Just like the tower of terror!" Jade added, wobbling off the elevator.  
  
Suddenly, all the girls stopped. They're mouths dropped open as they realized who saved them. Severus was dusting off his robes when he felt the stares of at least eleven girls. He looked up.  
  
"Oh, dear god." He muttered, and he disapperated.  
  
~*~  
  
"Take the bloody medicine, Severus!" Andromeda growled as she held out a spoon of disgusting smelling medicine to Severus, to aid his hangover.  
  
"I don't want to!" Severus said, folding his arms. "I'll be fine."  
  
"You were complaining non-stop about a headache." Andromeda replied. "Open your mouth!"  
  
"You're not my mother!" Severus said. "Leave me alone."  
  
"Come on, Severus," Andromeda said, getting frustrated. "It's just like a muggle potion!"  
  
Severus was not amused. "You asked for it." Andromeda said, shrugging.  
  
"Here comes the Hogwarts Express!" She said, making that annoying voice one makes when entertaining a small child. "Choo choo! It has to get through the Severus Tunnel, or it will crash and all the children will... die...." Andromeda realized that that was more of an incentive for Severus to keep his mouth shut..  
  
"Fine." Andromeda pouted. "I don't care if you have a head ache."  
  
Severus nodded at her, and walked into the bathroom. Andromeda folded her arms, and sat on her bed, turning the TV on to 'Oprah', a rather interesting talk show that I have taken up just to see what Oprah's wearing this time.  
  
"Today on Oprah," Oprah said, smiling that smile that had to be 40 watts, "We will talk to a member of the audience who just showed up. He's the author of 6 books and an autobiography, and has won 'Most Charming Smile' award six times. Here he is-..."  
  
Andromeda sat up. He couldn't be on the Tele... Severus had just shown him to his room. And locked him in. And made sure there were no pointy objects.  
  
"Gilderoy Lockhart!" Oprah finished, and, sure enough, Gilderoy went stumbling into the middle of Andromeda's screen.  
  
"Gilderoy," Oprah said, as Gilderoy sat down, unable to avert his eyes from the screen with his huge picture on it, "You're a superstar... apparently... what are you planning to do next?"  
  
"Well, Oprah," Gilderoy said, smiling as if trying to outdo his hostess, "I'm actually getting married to the quite lovely, brilliant love of my life. Andromeda Stone."  
  
Andromeda gave out a gasp of horror as a picture of her popped up on the screen. The only picture Gilderoy had of her, one of her glaring at the camera and making an obscene gesture that was edited out.  
  
"Severus!" Andromeda managed to squeal, "HOW DID HE GET OUT?!"  
  
Severus came out of the bathroom, and glared at the psychopath who was squealing at pointing at the screen.  
  
"What do you want?" He asked, not really caring what she wanted at all.  
  
"Look!" She breathed, pointing once again furiously at the TV.  
  
Severus looked. Andromeda, sure enough, had a right to be hysterically pointing at the Tele. On the screen was Gilderoy, happy as can be, showing Oprah how to use his wand.  
  
~*~  
  
That's all, folks. Saw HPCS, it was really awesome, except for the fact that the screen was screwed up and I had to miss teatime. (I'm addicted to that stuff...) Anyway, I would recommend seeing it if you like seeing Severus kick Gilderoy's ass. Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel.  
  
Next time: Severus and Andromeda have to stop Gilderoy and erase the memories of Oprah's audience, most of the chapter is from Gilderoy's POV. I'm gonna have loads of fun with this one. 


	13. Black

"I can't believe he would do something as stupid as this." Andromeda exclaimed, hurriedly pulling on a muggle coat and throwing another at Severus.  
  
"I think you underestimate him." Severus replied, trying to figure out how to put on the anorak Andromeda had advised him to wear. Severus was struggling so much with it; he had gotten a bit dizzy. For a second, Andromeda's hair even looked black. He shook his head, and it was blonde again. Like an old television set.  
  
Andromeda turned on the tele to make sure that Gilderoy was still on Oprah. Surely enough, he was, and still spinning wild tales about himself. And the magic world.  
  
"Is he still there?" Snape asked.  
  
"Sure is." Andromeda replied. "And he's going on about how his great uncle was 'Spock' from Star Trek."  
  
"Star Trek?" Severus asked quizzically.  
  
"Muggle thing." Andromeda replied, and turned off the television. "Let's get out of here. We should probably get Remus, too. He could be of some help."  
  
Andromeda pushed Severus out the door, mostly because he was having a hard time moving around in the jeans Andromeda had told him to wear instead of his black robes.  
  
"Ok." Andromeda said, walking into the elevator with Severus. "All we have to do is mind wipe everyone who watched Oprah today. It couldn't possibly be THAT popular of a show. And then we need to get back here in time for the SSS convention."  
  
"You know, pressing that button 500 times isn't going to make the lift go any faster." Severus said. Andromeda suddenly realized she had been pushing the 'down' button repeatedly.  
  
~*~  
  
Remus was flipping through the channels on the tele at this current moment in his hotel room. He had found Gloria on Fifth Avenue, suffocating his credit card. She was thankfully in the bathroom, leaving Remus alone for a bit.  
  
Suddenly, Remus stopped flipping through channels. He had come by a popular womens' show with a familiar guest. A bit too familiar at that.  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the door, and he heard Andromeda's voice crying, "Remus! If you're asleep, wake up! If you're not, open the freaking' door!"  
  
"If Gloria's in there, push her out the window!" Remus heard Severus's voice add.  
  
Remus unlocked the door to see Andromeda looking frazzled and worried, and Severus looking amused at Andromeda's reaction.  
  
"Remus-..." Andromeda blurted out, "Gilderoy- got out! At show! Showed magic! I will kill him!"  
  
"Um..." Remus stuttered, "Right. I saw the show. If I hadn't I would close this door, lock it and call security. Severus," Remus added, "What ARE you wearing?"  
  
Severus looked over the bowling shoes, purple socks, blue jeans and bright yellow anorak. "Muggle stuff." He said.  
  
"If you don't mind me saying," Remus said, "You look like an insane canary."  
  
Andromeda held in a laugh, and Severus gave her an evil glare.  
  
"Don't you ruffle your feathers at me!" she laughed. "Anyway- Remus, we need to go get Gilderoy. You should probably come along. And bring an tranquilizing darts you might have lying around."  
  
"I'll see what I can scrounge up." Remus replied.  
  
"Great." Andromeda said, overlooking the sarcastic tone. "You guys are going to the studio. I'm going to get reinforcements."  
  
Severus raised an eyebrow. "What reinforcements?"  
  
~*~  
  
Sirius Black: convict, fugitive, wizard extraordinair, skee-ball champion. Of course, it had been a long time since he had played any skee-ball.  
  
He was currently in his happy little hide out above a happy little Chinese store that sold happy little inside-out rabbits. He figured no one would ever be able to find him in New York City. It would be crazy for them to even try. He was safe in his dirty flat, and perfectly happy sitting day by day on his comfy couch watching 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' on the tele and writing to his godson, Harry. There was only one person who knew about this flat, and she was dead. So, she didn't really count.  
  
Sirius was pouring himself a bowl of corn flakes when there was a knock on the door. "One second." He called, getting irritated that someone had interrupted his dinner.  
  
He opened the door and almost fainted when he saw who was there. He did feel a bit dizzy, but that could have been because he hadn't eaten his corn flakes yet.  
  
"Annie?" Sirius managed to gasp.  
  
"I'm sorry, have we met?" the woman asked.  
  
Sirius raised his right eyebrow. He could have sworn it was her. "I guess not." Sirius replied. "You just look a lot like someone I used to know."  
  
"I'm Andromeda Stone." She said, "And I'm from the, uh- league of-... SSS."  
  
"SSS?" Sirius asked. "What does that stand for?"  
  
"That's confidential." Andromeda replied quickly. "Anyway, we need you help, Mr.-..."  
  
"Snuffles." Sirius said, "Mr. Snuffles."  
  
~*~  
  
"Ooh, let's go there!" Gloria shrieked from the back seat of the taxi, pointing at Bloomindales. "I just adore that dress!"  
  
"Dear," Remus said, getting a bit annoyed, "We really need to get Gilderoy."  
  
"Gilderoy LOCKHART?" Gloria exclaimed, making the driver swerve over the road. "You mean THE Gilderoy Lockhart?"  
  
"The one and only." Severus growled.  
  
Gloria squirmed in her seat with glee. "I'm gonna meet Gilderoy Lockhart!"  
  
Remus and Severus exchanged annoyed glances, and Severus dearly wished he had taken that muggle potion Andromeda had bugged him about.  
  
~*~  
  
Andromeda was struggling to keep her profile low in Sirius's apartment. She had almost blown her cover. She knew it was a risk to see Sirius again, but they needed help, and Sirius was the only person in the city she knew.  
  
"Tea?" Sirius asked, filling a small green teapot with water.  
  
"Please." Andromeda said, coming out of her trance. "So," Andromeda continued, "Who was this person you thought I was? Perhaps it is a relative of mine." Andromeda knew this conversation was too close to home, but she had to know what Sirius really thought.  
  
"She was a friend." Sirius said, a touch of sadness in his voice. "She died thirteen years ago. Her name was Andromeda too. But that's a very popular name."  
  
"It is." Andromeda said, a bit sad herself.  
  
"Now that I think of it, you don't look much like her." Sirius said. "She had black hair, and very dark eyes. Not like yours. She held herself differently, too."  
  
"Oh." Andromeda said, "Anyway- about what we need you for, have you ever heard of Gilderoy Lockhart?"  
  
~*~  
  
That's all folks. I know I said it would be in Gilderoy's POV, but that's the next chapter. I need to get my plot straight, I lost my notebook. Anyway, while I'm rambling, I saw a movie that all Alan Rickman fans need to see if they haven't: Truly, Madly, Deeply. I cried and cried and cried. But it still gets two thumbs up!  
  
Next chapter: Sirius joins the crew, SSS begins and a couple other things you will know about when I find my notebook! 


	14. Gloria and the Guards of DOOM!

The New York Oprah Studio towered over Remus, Gloria and Severus, and cast a very cold, very gloomy shadow over them as they waited for Andromeda and whatever backup she might inflict upon them.  
  
"We should probably be in there getting Gilderoy off the stage." Remus said, suddenly realizing the silliness of them waiting for Andromeda to come back. Gloria was hopping with anticipation of meeting Gilderoy. Severus was almost hopping with anticipation of meating Gilderoy.  
  
"Andromeda would get mad at us if we killed him without her." Severus pointed out.  
  
"That's why..." Remus replied. Severus nodded. This was a very awkward way to be. But just as things got silent, a big yellow taxi pulled up in front of them. Sure enough, Andromeda pushed open the door and hopped out of the car.  
  
"Hi guys!" she said, barely hitting her head on the top of the car. "I found reinforcements!"  
  
"What unfortunate soul have you cursed this time?" Severus asked. Andromeda gave him a stern look, but ignored it otherwise.  
  
"This is Siri- I mean, Mr. Snuffles." She said, as Sirius climbed out of the taxi.  
  
Severus looked horror-stricken and a bit joyous. First of all: it was Sirius Black, his worst enemy and the one man who loved to torment him. Second of all: This could be his chance to capture Black finally and get that Order of Merlin he so deserved. Andromeda didn't seem to notice what kind of danger she was in, being with this convict. Oh, well. If Severus let Black help, he might do away with Andromeda. He might not be so bad after all.  
  
"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed. "You're alive! Last I heard, you were supposed to be hiding out with me."  
  
"Well, I was." Sirius replied, "But then I remembered the old flat here that I had bought way back when. Actually, most of it was in Annie's name."  
  
"Oh, not her again." Severus growled, rolling his eyes. "I thought I would hear the last of her when she died!"  
  
"You shut up before I ram my wand down your throat, buddy!" Sirius replied in rage. "Without her, you'd be dead!"  
  
"Wouldn't that make you happy, Black!" Severus said, stepping towards Sirius, and reaching for his wand, "Then I would have the last laugh. I would be closest to your precious Annie at least!"  
  
Sirius' face contorted into something between rage and disgust. He quickly reached for his wand, while Remus tried to think up something really fast.  
  
"Hey!" Remus yelled, stepping in between Severus and Sirius. "Did either of you notice that Andromeda had no response when you were revealed as Sirius Black, Sirius?"  
  
Severus and Sirius turned their eyes to Andromeda, who was staring off into space at the moment.  
  
"Oh, yeah." Andromeda said quickly, "Sorry. Oh, my God, it's Sirius Black. Help."  
  
Sirius and Severus fell silent, and kept their gaze on Andromeda.  
  
"Shouldn't we be doing something?" Andromeda finally said, folding her arms. "You know- the psychopath that is publicly broadcasting the magic world over the tele?"  
  
Severus and Sirius reluctantly stopped their mindless jabbering and followed Andromeda into the studio. As they walked, Remus suddenly found a problem in their non-existent plan.  
  
"Guys?" Remus said, directing his words to Sirius and Andromeda, considering they were the only people NOT plotting to kill anyone. "How are we supposed to get past security?"  
  
Andromeda hadn't thought of that. Sure enough, right in front of the entrance to the audience were a bunch of mean looking security guards, all dressed in pink uniforms that said 'Oprah' on them.  
  
"Any ideas?" Remus asked.  
  
"Easy." Andromeda commented. She turned to Gloria, who was still jumping up and down, with a stupid grin on her face. "Hey, Gloria." Andromeda said, nudging the definition of dumb blonde. Gloria replied with a blank stare and a single bat of her eyelashes.  
  
"See those men?" Andromeda said, pointing to the guards, "Those men have captured Gilderoy, and they are making him marry the evil queen of... stuff! Do you want to help Gilderoy?"  
  
Gloria nodded fiercely.  
  
"Then all you have to do is say the magic words!" Andromeda said as one might say to a three-year-old with a learning disability.  
  
"What are the magic words?" Gloria asked, eager to free Gilderoy.  
  
"The magic words are 'I have a bomb.'" Andromeda said. "Got it?"  
  
Gloria nodded again. She backed away from Andromeda, Severus, Remus and Sirius to get some space. She took in a few deep breaths, and repeated the 'magic words' softly in her head. Then she screamed them out.  
  
"I HAVE A BEEM!" Gloria screamed at the top of her lungs. The guards stared at her. Andromeda slapped herself in the forehead.  
  
"Bomb!" Andromeda whispered to Gloria.  
  
"Oh. I HAVE A BOMB!" Gloria corrected. For a moment, Gloria looked almost as pompous as Gilderoy, as she proudly shrugged to Andromeda, as if saying, 'I was the only one who could have done it.'  
  
That was when the guards hit her. They were on her like flies on a dead hippogriff, and they were angry. Gloria screamed bloody murder at Andromeda as she and the rest of the group slid into the studio unnoticed.  
  
~*~  
  
There you have it folks. Wow. See how horrible things get when Jerri can't find her notebook? Well- I found HALF of it, anyway. It's better if I don't explain. Let's just say my dog had ink all over his tongue when I got home one day. Luckily, I had a second copy of the book, which I mailed to my friend in the US for safekeeping. Actually, knowing her, I might find ink on HER tongue next time I see her. She's like that. (I'm just kidding, Erin, I love you!) Anyway- next chapter: whatever I can scrounge up without my book. 


	15. Oprah's Best Show

NOTE TO READERS: About the Oprah studio 'issue'... I am not very good with American shows, or where they are. However, after much long and boring research, I have come to the conclusion that Oprah studios IS in Chicago, but they have a special-occasion studio in New York that they use on... occasions. However, thank you for everyone who emailed me about it, I really appreciate it, and the author of any story really should know the details. My New York assumption was just a lucky guess. Thanks. -Jerri  
  
~*~  
  
'This is going really great!' Gilderoy thought, as he sat on his squishy beige chair in the Oprah studio.  
  
"Anyway, Orpah," Gilderoy continued.  
  
"Oprah." Oprah corrected as if it were the hundredth time he said it, which it was.  
  
"Whatever." Gilderoy replied, smiling and waving his hand as if to push it aside. "I was the founder of the, uh... itronet!"  
  
"The what?" The audience cried in unison.  
  
"You know," Gilderoy said, starting to worry, "That thing that you use your Confusers and the Moose to do things."  
  
There was a blank stare from the audience. A cough came from the very back. Then all was silent again. Suddenly, there was a loud scream from the lobby, followed by scurried footsteps, and then the creaking of the studio door. Before anyone could tell what was happening, Andromeda, Sirius, Severus and Remus stumbled on to the stage from the wings.  
  
"Andromeda!" Gilderoy exclaimed, bouncing up from his seats. Oprah woke up with a start from the loud noise.  
  
"Who is your guest, Glideroy?" she asked.  
  
"Gilderoy." Gilderoy corrected.  
  
"Whatever." Oprah replied.  
  
"This is my fiancée!" Gilderoy yelled happily. Andromeda took a step back.  
  
"I am NOT your fiancée!" Andromeda cried, about two seconds away from picking up a beige chair and hurling it at Gilderoy.  
  
"And what do you think you're doing here, anyway?" Andromeda screamed. "You're endangering everything we try so hard to keep concealed!"  
  
Gilderoy was silent. She used a couple big words he didn't know. Now it was time for the Gilderoy defense: smile and nod.  
  
"Ugh!" Andromeda yelled in frustration. She stormed over to Severus. "YOU try!"  
  
Severus was very happy at this. He pulled out his wand, and slowly calculated in his mind what he was going to do to Gilderoy. Poisons were too easy and too fast. An unforgivable curse would be too illegal. A regular curse wasn't good enough. Perhaps a good bash to the head would help. Yes, that was perfect, bash Gilderoy's head-  
  
Gilderoy fell over.  
  
"What the bloody hell!" Severus bellowed. "I didn't ever DO anything! WHY ME, GOD?!"  
  
Severus collapsed to the ground in frustration and tried to pull out his hair.  
  
"Severus, don't-..." Andromeda started.  
  
"No, let him." Sirius interrupted. "He's in his own little world, now."  
  
As Severus screamed obscenities and silently murmured to himself, Andromeda, Sirius and Remus were trying to figure out what happened to Gilderoy.  
  
"There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him." Remus said. "He just fell over."  
  
"That's so weird." Andromeda commented, poking Gilderoy in the stomach with her wand. He made a gurgling noise, and flinched, but other then that, he was out cold.  
  
"Maybe Severus just scared him stiff." Sirius suggested.  
  
Andromeda shrugged. "Oh, well." She said. "The important thing is, he's unconscious. Let's do what we came here to do."  
  
Andromeda stood up and brushed herself off. The others did the same. They all raised their wands, pointing at the cameras and the audience, who were staring back, blankly.  
  
"At the count of three..." Sirius said.  
  
Andromeda and Remus steadied their wands. Severus was still swearing behind them.  
  
"One..." Sirius began. "Two..."  
  
"GILDEROY! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU!" A voice screamed from an entrance door. Sure enough, Gloria, her clothes torn and her hair in rat nests, came bounding down to the stage and flung herself over Gilderoy.  
  
"Whatever you're going to do to him, I won't let you!" Gloria screamed. "I love him!"  
  
Andromeda looked over at Remus, who had a very interesting expression on his face.  
  
"Boy, Remus, you sure know how to pick 'em." Sirius commented. Andromeda elbowed him in the ribs.  
  
"Three!" Andromeda said, and Remus and Sirius reacted by erasing the memories of everyone on the set, audience, and everyone watching. This included Gloria.  
  
~*~  
  
End chapter. Anyway- next chapter- we learn things about Andromeda, Severus is determined to injure Gilderoy, and the troop must go to the SSS meeting. 


	16. Busride to Hell

~*~  
  
"That should do it." Sirius commented, very pleased with the blank stare from everyone in the audience.  
  
"Welcome to the show, everyone!" Remus said to the very confused New Yorkers. "There has been a small delay in beginning, but as soon as Miss Winfrey is ready, we'll start."  
  
Oprah blinked at Remus. "What?" she said, looking a bit woozy.  
  
"BLASTED LOCKHART!" Severus yelled from the back of the room. Andromeda, Remus and Sirius looked back to see Severus holding a big beige chair over his head.  
  
"Severus, don't be so dramatic." Andromeda said, folding his arms.  
  
"Is he going to throw that?" Oprah asked, still confused.  
  
"Don't look at him." Remus said. "He's only doing it for attention."  
  
There was a muffled 'ugh' from the general direction of the floor. Gloria was slowly coming out of some kind of comatose state.  
  
"Damn it, she's alive." Andromeda said under her breath.  
  
"What's going on?" Gloria asked in her oh-so-annoying high-pitched voice. "Did the scarf come in another color?"  
  
Andromeda raised her eyebrows. "Right..." She said, rolling her eyes. "She's all yours, Remus."  
  
"Thanks a-..." Remus was interrupted by a flying beige chair, quickly gaining on him. Without much consideration, he ducked, and the chair hit Gloria, smack in the face.  
  
"Severus!" Andromeda said, trying to sound worried, but barely masking the laughter in her voice. "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Look, missy!" Severus said, storming to Andromeda's side, almost tripping over the still unconscious Gilderoy, "I have a short temper, a large supply of beige chairs, and bad aim, so DON'T MESS WITH ME!"  
  
"Whatever." Andromeda replied. "Just next time you decide to go nancing about on a killing spree-..."  
  
"I wasn't nancing!" Severus replied defensively.  
  
"Whatever you want to call it, don't do it again!" Andromeda said.  
  
Severus opened his mouth as if to say something, but thought better of it. Sirius was pleased with this response. He elbowed Remus in the ribs, and mouthed something that look a lot like 'He was SO nancing.'  
  
~*~  
  
" I hate buses. They're grimy and smelly and stupid and pointless. I hate them."  
  
"Severus, just get on the bloody bus." Andromeda said, pushing him forward and on to the big white bus that was eagerly waiting to go to their hotel.  
  
After Severus reluctantly got on the bus, and was pouting with arms folded, and Andromeda massaged her temples in hopes that he would desist, Remus and Sirius were catching up a couple of seats away.  
  
Sirius, tired of his gameboy, and Remus, tired of trying to wake up Gloria, (although who would want to in the first place) finally decided to strike up a conversation.  
  
"So." Sirius began, a bit awkwardly. "How have you... been?"  
  
"Fine." Remus replied, letting the unconscious body of Gloria falling on to the floor. "And you?"  
  
"Same." Sirius said, twiddling his thumbs.  
  
"So, why didn't you come and hide out with me when things were in trouble?" Remus asked.  
  
"Well, I still had this apartment." Sirius said. "Plus, it seems like your house was full anyway." Sirius added, nudging Remus's shoulder and gesturing to Gloria.  
  
"Is that all you think about?" Remus asked. There was a silence.  
  
"That and skeeball." Sirius finally admitted. "Anyway." Sirius continued, really wanting to start one particular conversation. "Andromeda."  
  
Remus waited for more of a sentence, but realized that an entire sentence really was asking too much of Sirius.  
  
"What about her?" Remus asked, begging to whoever would listen that Sirius didn't want her phone number.  
  
"Doesn't she remind you of someone?" Sirius said, as if it were completely obvious.  
  
"Not really." Remus replied, "Does she remind YOU of someone?"  
  
"Well, you know." Sirius said, shrugging. "Annie."  
  
Remus laughed sarcastically. "Annie?" He echoed. "What in the world reminds you of Annie in Andromeda?"  
  
"Um... Let me think... THE NAME!" Sirius scoffed, really doubting his friend's wits.  
  
"There are LOTS of sorceresses named Andromeda!" Remus corrected.  
  
"HA!" Sirius said, standing up in his seat. "You said SORCERESS! Andromeda is not a sorceress, but Annie was! You are on the same track of mind as I am!"  
  
"Are you telling me that Andromeda is Annie?" Remus asked.  
  
Sirius nodded furiously.  
  
"This from the man who accused Albus Dumbledore as being the Pillsbury Doughboy?" Remus asked.  
  
"POKE HIM IN THE STOMACH! HE GIGGLES!" Sirius yelled defensively.  
  
"I can't continue this conversation with you." Remus said, waving his hand as if pushing the subject away.  
  
"You just don't want to admit I'm right." Sirius said confidently. "That would mean I was smarter than you."  
  
"Yes, it would terrify me if my I.Q. were lower than that of a deck chair." Remus quipped.  
  
"Humph." Sirius murmured. "It makes perfect sense though! She could have faked her own death, just like Wormtail! But then she dyed her hair, and changed a few things about herself, and got a job at Hogwarts to look over you-know-who."  
  
"Voldemort?" Remus asked.  
  
"No, stupid." Sirius replied. "You know who I'm talking about. You know, cuz it's kinda her job to look after him. Anyway, it's a perfect crime! Not that it's a crime, but-..."  
  
"You've been watching 'Passions' again, haven't you?" Remus asked, picking Gloria up off the ground. "It's been almost fourteen years. Let her go. Ok? The rest of us have."  
  
"Not Severus!" Sirius said, trying to find a way out of leaving the subject alone. "But then, I guess that kind of thing is in the family."  
  
~*~  
  
"I hate buses so much, Andromeda, you don't understand."  
  
"I think I'd understand enough by just listening to you bug me about it the whole ride."  
  
"You're so insensitive."  
  
"Me? YOU were the one who made that little boy cry when you bought the last lolli."  
  
"He was asking for it. He threatened me!"  
  
"He was FIVE!"  
  
"He was the scariest five year old I ever met."  
  
Silence.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"He was at least six."  
  
"Oh, stop being such a child." Andromeda finally put the argument to a rest. "I have such a headache right now."  
  
"I know." Severus said. "He's been hanging on to the back f the bus for some time now."  
  
"What?" Andromeda asked, trying to figure out what the hell Severus was talking about. But all was understood when Andromeda looked at the back of the bus, and saw Gilderoy Lockhart clinging on to the bumper for dear life, and waving at cars as they drove past.  
  
~*~  
  
Yup. Um... that's it. I'll try to get some more up tomorrow night, if I'm lucky. Don't worry if things get a little confusing. It's supposed to be that way. (There are clues all over the place. Even in the prequel.) Anyway- happy holidays to those of you celebrating them. -Jerri 


	17. The Truth About Andromeda

The bus came to a screeching halt in front of an unfamiliar place.  
  
"Where are we?" Remus asked.  
  
"The end of the line, buddy." The bus driver remarked, and then laughed to himself as though he said something insanely clever.  
  
Andromeda, Severus, Remus, Sirius and the more pleasant unconscious Gloria got off the bus, and it skidded away on the icy roads.  
  
"Where are we?" Sirius said. "I don't see any line!"  
  
Andromeda let that one slide, and looked around her surroundings. "I've seen this place on TV." She pointed to a large ice skating rink. "That's Rock's Cellar Splinter."  
  
"What?" Everyone asked in unison.  
  
"I think she means Rockefeller Center." Severus said, reading a sign on a postcard with the picture of the skating rink.  
  
"That's what I said." Andromeda said, brushing the matter aside. "And there's our hotel!"  
  
"Andromeda, that's the Rockefeller Christmas Tree." Sirius pointed out.  
  
"I knew that." She said, turning around and gazing at her surroundings once more. "Than where are we?"  
  
"THAT'S our hotel." Severus said, pointing to the large building behind them. "And you call yourself a professor."  
  
Andromeda gave him a snide look. "I never said I was good with directions."  
  
The group began crossing the street, dodging cars as they passed. But suddenly, an unpleasant noised graced their ears.  
  
"Andromeda! Wait up!"  
  
Andromeda turned and saw, to her dismay, Gilderoy. He was a bit of a distance away, but he approached faster and faster, until he broke into a run.  
  
"RUN!" Andromeda screamed, pushing Sirius forward.  
  
The group began running towards the hotel; Remus dropped Gloria along the way.  
  
"Oops!" Remus exclaimed, turning back to pick up Gloria.  
  
"Leave her!" Sirius replied grabbing Remus' arm and continuing to run. Finally they were all moments away from the hotel door. They stormed into the lobby, knocking over a few New Yorkers, and sprinted into the elevator.  
  
"Hold the doors!" Gilderoy yelled to Sirius, who immediately pushed the 'close doors' button, and left Gilderoy down in the lobby to inflict himself upon innocent New Yorkers.  
  
"That was too close." Sirius remarked falling back unto the floor.  
  
Remus got off at the next floor; Severus a few floors later. Andromeda and Sirius continued up.  
  
"So." Sirius said, trying to bring up something he knew Remus wouldn't like. "Andromeda- if that IS your real name- what made you decide to work at Hogwarts?"  
  
"Dumbledore asked me." Andromeda replied.  
  
"A likely story!" Sirius replied with a little laugh. "And what do you teach, Defense Against the Dark Arts?"  
  
"Um- Yes." Andromeda said, trying to figure out what was going on.  
  
"Oh." Sirius said, running out of incriminating questions. "That's not even your real hair!"  
  
Sirius made a mad leap for Andromeda's long blonde hair, and tugged really hard at her bangs.  
  
"GAAAH!" Andromeda screamed, shaking Sirius off her. "What do you think you're doing?" She asked when she finally yanked Sirius off her, but not without loosing a few locks of her hair.  
  
"You're not Andromeda Stone!" Sirius yelled. "I know it!"  
  
"Oh, right." Andromeda said. "This from the guy who accused Dumbledore of being the Pillsbury Doughboy!"  
  
"AGH!" Sirius yelled. "HE GIGGLES! POKE HIM IN HIS STOMACH, DAMN IT!"  
  
Andromeda stared at him for a second. "You're a scary little man."  
  
Sirius pulled at his hair. "You know it, and I know it!" He said. "You are NOT Andromeda Stone! You may be able to trick Severus and Remus, and maybe everyone else, but not Sirius Black! My middles name is Sherlock!"  
  
"No it's not," Andromeda said, "It's Ashley."  
  
"It's a figure of speech!" Sirius yelled. Then he remembered something.  
  
"Wait-..." he said, taking a step towards her. "I just met you- you wouldn't know my middle name is Ashley!"  
  
Andromeda was silent. She realized that she had screwed up.  
  
"ANNIE!!!" Sirius exclaimed, and hurled himself at Andromeda. "I knew you were alive I knew it!!!!!"  
  
"Is this your Oscar clip, or something?" Andromeda said, once again trying to shake Sirius off her. "Get off me, you Pansy!"  
  
Sirius pulled himself away. "What's with the hair?"  
  
"It's a charm." Andromeda replied. "It wears off after a while, and turns back to black. And I use colored contact lenses."  
  
"Cool!" Sirius said, making to poke Andromeda in the eye.  
  
"Don't do that!' Andromeda said, shielding herself. "Now you have to promise me something."  
  
Sirius nodded like a good little dog.  
  
"You cannot tell Remus or Severus or ANYONE!"  
  
Another nod from Sirius.  
  
"Promise?' Andromeda asked.  
  
"Promised." Sirius replied.  
  
The elevator came to a halt on the top floor. Andromeda and Sirius got off, leaving a very confused bunch of elevator passengers, and began walking down the hall, until Andromeda room came up.  
  
"The SSS is meeting downstairs in fifteen minutes, don't forget!" Andromeda told Sirius.  
  
"Ok." Sirius said, setting his new digital watch that he stole from Gloria. "Andromeda- just tell me one thing- why did you fake your death? It seemed a bit pointless."  
  
"I did it because if Voldemort ever knew I was there, he would be trying twice as hard to get to Harry." Andromeda replied. "It's the only way I can look after him. I promised James and Lily. You understand."  
  
Sirius, for the first time in a while, nodded in complete seriousness.  
  
"I've got to get ready." Andromeda said. "It's going to take a lot to keep Severus from killing anyone."  
  
"It's nice to see you again, Annie." Sirius said. "We missed you."  
  
"So did I." Andromeda said with a smile.  
  
She closed the door behind her, and sat on her bed for a moment. She and Dumbledore knew this day would come; that someone would recognize her. Charms and Contact lenses wouldn't save her forever. Changing her last name wouldn't help much. She knew that to someone out there, to Sirius, she would always, and only be, Andromeda Potter.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
Sorry it took so long... I FOUND MY NOTEBOOK! (And the townspeople rejoice!) By the by- this little sub-plot dealy was supposed to be in the first one, but I needed Sirius to explain it, and Sirius wasn't IN the first one, etc.)  
  
Happy Holidays! -Jerri  
  
*////-  
  
(That's a bad Christmas tree, by the way.) 


	18. Your Hair Looks Pretty

Andromeda got off the elevator in time to see Severus chase Gilderoy out of the lobby in a mad frenzy.  
  
"What is going on here?" she asked.  
  
"Does it really need explaining?" Remus asked, who was standing next to Sirius. He held up a crumpled piece of paper.  
  
"Gilderoy wrote a poem for you." Remus continued. "It's in crayon."  
  
"So?" Andromeda asked, shrugging.  
  
"It was Severus's favourite green crayon." Sirius joked. Remus gave him a disapproving look as Severus dragged Gilderoy in. He was a bit beaten up, but otherwise had a stupid smile on his face, like a puppy that got hit in the head one too many times.  
  
"Did you read he the poem?" Severus asked.  
  
"No, we haven't even gotten around to reading it ourselves." Remus said, uncrumpling the paper. "It says: Andromeda fair, whose hair is of that Of a nest of an old disgruntled bat. Darling Anne, who anyone can see Is almost as pretty as me."  
  
At this point, everyone turned to Gilderoy who shrugged and said, "It's true, isn't it?"  
  
Remus cleared his throat and continued, "I love her beautiful pointy nose, I love her two parallel love pillows-..."  
  
"LOVE PILLOWS?" Andromeda screamed, disturbing everyone in the lobby.  
  
Gilderoy shrugged again. "Dearest," he explained, "The words 'Breast' didn't rhyme with 'nose', silly!"  
  
"GAAAH!" Andromeda leapt towards Gilderoy, her fist ready to grind his face into a pulp, but Severus held her back.  
  
"Don't touch him, he's MINE for the killing!" Severus yelled.  
  
Andromeda stepped back and mumbled something in which the only words anyone could make out were 'love pillows' and 'disembowel.'  
  
"Children, children!" Sirius said, shaking his head in disapproval. "Gilderoy, how dare you say that about Andromeda? And Andromeda, how dare you have those?"  
  
Andromeda ignored this comment, and instead searched around in her jacket for her wand. "Sirius," she said, "You haven't been chewing on my wand again, have you?"  
  
"No," Sirius said, "I don't fancy rosewood."  
  
"I must have left it up in my room." She replied. She turned to Severus. "I'm going to go up to my room and find my wand. You go to the meeting ahead of me and do whatever you can."  
  
A sly smile crept across Severus's face.  
  
"No killing!" Andromeda said. The smile vanished. She made her way over to the elevator.  
  
"I'll go with her." Remus said. Sirius nudged him in the ribs.  
  
"I'll bet." Sirius quipped. Remus rolled his eyes and followed after Andromeda.  
  
"You do know what this means don't you?" Severus asked.  
  
"The sixth dentist caved and they all go for Trident?"  
  
"No!" Severus replied. "We get to kill people!"  
  
~*~  
  
Andromeda pressed the button for her floor in the elevator and stood in the back. The elevator was empty except for Remus and Andromeda, and Remus thought it might be a good time to make his move.  
  
"So-..." Remus said, thinking he probably should have thought things out before he said anything. "Your hair looks... pretty."  
  
"Don't you 'your hair looks pretty' me!" Andromeda said. "Go 'your hair looks pretty' Gloria!"  
  
"Oh, come off it! That doesn't even make sense!" Remus said, folding his arms. "I'm the one who should be sore at you!"  
  
"Why?" Andromeda said, her voice raising. "Because I LET my self fall in love with you?"  
  
"No, because you made ME fall in love with YOU and when Severus's stupid potion screwed up your senses-..."  
  
"They didn't screw up my senses!" Andromeda yelled. "I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings! That's why I didn't choose anyone! I wanted to choose YOU, I really did, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
  
"Why didn't you ever say anything?"  
  
"I was going to, but Gloria stepped in, who's really not you're type, she's way too stupid and she shops too much and she's stupid and she-..."  
  
Remus interrupted by pulling her into a passionate kiss. Andromeda struggled for a moment, a bit surprised, but after a moment she let herself melt into Remus, and she leaned into him, hoping for the moment never to end-  
  
"Oh, come on, guys, this is a hotel, get a room!" Jade from the SSS girls quipped as she got onto the elevator, making Andromeda and Remus separate lightning fast and bolting to opposite sides of the elevator.  
  
~*~  
  
"Let's go, Sirius, you're too slow!" Severus was yelling as Sirius walked behind him.  
  
"What's the hurry?" Sirius asked.  
  
"There are giggly girls in there to be smoted!" Severus replied.  
  
"You never had a normal childhood, did you?" Sirius asked. But Severus didn't answer, for he had come to the door to the SSS meeting. He twisted the handle. Nothing.  
  
"ALOHAMORA!" Severus yelled, pointing his wand at the door. Nothing.  
  
"Um, Severus-..." Sirius began.  
  
"I'm working!" Severus replied. "ALOHAMORA!"  
  
Nothing again.  
  
"Severus-..."  
  
"ALOHA- BLOODY- MORA!" Severus yelled.  
  
"Severus," Sirius interrupted again, "You were turning the handle the wrong way." Sirius pulled on the handle to the door the other way, and it swung open. Severus made no reply, but just strode in casually.  
  
The room was bustling with girls, young and old, in all shapes and sizes. To Severus, it was just figuring out which one would make the most significance to kill and/or torture.  
  
"Shouldn't we wait for Annie?" Sirius asked.  
  
"You're not still going on about Andromeda being Andromeda Potter, are you?" Severus asked.  
  
"Yes!" Sirius replied. "She told me."  
  
Sirius took out his wand, and a projection came out of the tip. The conversation Sirius and Andromeda had had began forming.  
  
'You have to promise me something' Andromeda's voice said after all was through, 'You can't tell anyone-...'  
  
Sirius stopped the projection immediately. "Dammit." He said. "I get mixed up between 'do tell' and 'don't tell.'"  
  
Severus stood stone cold. Sirius went by his regular method for when Snape got like this: no sudden movements.  
  
Suddenly, Severus turned and walked out of the SSS meeting.  
  
"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, as if he didn't already know.  
  
Severus turned to Sirius, a scowl on his face. "Before I do anything, I have to kill HER!"  
  
~*~  
  
Hope everyone had a nice holiday. Went to my mum's. They got me the new Harry Potter computer game. Lot's of fun, but if you've arachnophobia, like me, I don't recommend it. Anyway- next chapter should come along soon, yadda yadda yadda, the end. 


	19. The Row

Severus dashed up the stairs of the hotel, Sirius right behind him, trying to explain what he just blurted out. Snape found his way to Andromeda's floor and hurriedly ran down the hallways, tipping over people as he passed.  
  
Her room came up quickly, and he kicked open the door.  
  
"Ow!" Andromeda's voice cried as the door hit her in the face. She put her hand to her nose as it started to bleed. "What was that for?"  
  
"It was for this!" Severus snapped, pointing his wand at his and yelling 'Revellos!' Andromeda's golden locks melted away into jet-black spirals. Her eyes faded slowly from brown to blue, her lips became darker, her ears smaller, and suddenly, she didn't look as much like Andromeda anymore.  
  
"Severus, I-..." Andromeda stuttered, but she couldn't form the words. She had gotten herself into this, but she didn't know how to get out.  
  
"I'm going to the soda machine." Sirius quickly said, and hurried out through the door.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Severus yelled, practically shaking the room. "All these years- I thought you were dead!"  
  
"I was going to!" Andromeda cried. "But you would have hated me for it! And you were the only friend I had! And I felt like we could start over and-..."  
  
Severus turned away from her, fists clenched in rage, starting to realize the person he was talking to.  
  
"I knew you would take it like this." Andromeda said softer. "Now that you know, I expect you'll treat me like Harry, won't you? Just like you did before. Just because my brother was popular and a great Quidditch player and married Lily. And that you just got me, and I wasn't good enough."  
  
Severus winced at this.  
  
"Don't bring her into this." Severus said.  
  
"I didn't." Andromeda replied, heading for the door. "You did."  
  
She walked into the hall and closed the door behind her, trying to conceal a tear that wanted to run down her cheek.  
  
Severus was left alone. And in more ways than one.  
  
~*~  
  
Sirius was currently struggling with the blasted muggle soda machine.  
  
"Where are you supposed to put in the money?" Sirius asked himself, trying to shove a sickle into the machine.  
  
Sirius had met Remus in the soda lounge, and together, they had devised a plan to get into the soda machine.  
  
"What does this plug thing do?"  
  
ZAP!  
  
"Sirius! Hurry, into the sink! No- put down the-..." ZZZAAAAAAAPPPPP!!!!  
  
"-plug..."  
  
"Hey, I found this pickax!"  
  
RAM! Sploooooooosh!  
  
"Huzzah! Soda for all!"  
  
~*~  
  
Andromeda found Remus and Sirius knee deep in Cherry Cola.  
  
"What are you two doing?" Andromeda asked, her voice still a bit quivery from the row with Severus.  
  
"We broke into the muggle soda machine, Annie!" Sirius said.  
  
Andromeda put her face into her hand. She was developing a headache. "You do know that from now on, I'm going pretend I don't know you."  
  
"You already did that, Miss Potter." Sirius pointed out. He didn't notice Andromeda's motions that informed him not to say that in front of Remus.  
  
"Miss Potter?" Remus asked, turning to Sirius. "What are you talking about?" He turned to Andromeda. "What's he talking about, Andromeda?"  
  
But all he needed to do was to take a good look at Andromeda. He hadn't noticed the changes, her hair, her eyes, everything. His mouth dropped open in disbelief.  
  
"Annie?" Remus whispered.  
  
"I'm going to go to the soda machine." Sirius said quickly, before making the sad discovery that he already was at the soda machine.  
  
Andromeda's lips twitched. "I'm sorry." She whispered. She opened her mouth to say something else, but thought better of it. She suddenly broke out crying, and walked out of the room, and turned for the elevator. The only words anyone could make out were 'I'm going home.'  
  
~*~  
  
And so, for this chapter's comic relief, we turn to Gilderoy, who has stationed himself in the lobby once again, taking crayon to paper in his journal.  
  
'I AM SO PRITTEE.' Gilderoy wrote. 'I AM PRITTEEER THAN THAT MAN ON THE OTHER SIED OF THE LOBBEE.'  
  
Gilderoy through a grin over to the man in the lobby of which he was referring to.  
  
'WEN ANDROMIDA ND ME R MARREED,' Gilderoy continued, "SHE MITE BE PRETTIER THAN MEE.'  
  
Gilderoy looked puzzled for a moment.  
  
"MAYBEE NOT.'  
  
Gilderoy was interrupted by a crying Andromeda running out of an elevator, through the lobby, and out the door.  
  
'ANDROMIDA IZ SAD.' Gilderoy wrote. 'I THINK SHEE THINKS I DOENT LUV HER ANEEMOR! SUMTIMS I WUNDER ABOT HER INTELIJINC!'  
  
Gilderoy shook his head in sympathy for Andromeda. He was about to write a poem about how much he liked cheese, when Severus also came out of an elevator, making his way for the door.  
  
"Hi, Severus!" Gilderoy said, getting up and waving violently. Severus looked over to whatever produced the voice, and realized he shouldn't have. Gilderoy ran over to engage in conversation.  
  
"Hello, Gilderoy." Severus said gloomily. "To what to I owe the honor?"  
  
"Um..." Gilderoy thought for a second. "Yes!"  
  
Snape tried to ponder Gilderoy's stupidity, but one can't ponder such a thing without frying a few brain cells.  
  
"Are you going out?" Gilderoy asked.  
  
"Yes." Severus said, reminded of where he was going.  
  
"If you see my fiancée, tell her I still love her." Gilderoy said.  
  
"For the last time," Severus said, "She's not your fiancée!"  
  
"So next time I say it," Gilderoy said, confused, "She WILL be my fiancée?"  
  
Severus sighed the comment off, hoping to whoever would listen that stupidity wasn't contagious.  
  
"Anyway," Gilderoy continued, "If she's not MY fiancée, whose is she?"  
  
"Apparently," Severus said with a grimace, "She's mine."  
  
~*~  
  
My fingers hurt. It's about 4 in the morning here in London, and it's foggy as bloody hell outside. Anyway- this chapter was a bit complicated and kind of a downer, but it is necessary for the plot.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: We get Andromeda's story, we find out about the Andromeda/Severus relationship vs. the Severus/Lily relationship. More Gilderoy hijinks and Ramar Raven makes another appearance. Here's a clip from next chapter: (its not fully written yet, which is why it's not up)  
  
~*~ Gilderoy smiled a 400-watt grin and began explaining his life to Remus.  
  
"I'm going to be a moose!" Gilderoy said.  
  
"Chocolate or vanilla?" Remus asked, not being able to think of something else to say.  
  
"No, a M-O-O-O-O-S!" Gilderoy replied. "I see." Remus replied. "And you think Andromeda will be Ok with you being a moose?"  
  
Gilderoy thought for a second. "Yes."  
  
~*~  
  
Tune in next time, same bat time, same bat channel.  
  
P.S.- I'm making a website for all the fics WITH illustrations, for those of you who like pretty pictures. 


	20. Story, Moose and Helicopter

Andromeda was sitting in a taxi, crying silently as it drove along the crowded road. She gazed out the window as the taxi passed the Christmas tree that she had been at only hours earlier. Suddenly, she saw a familiar person walking around the ice-skating rink.  
  
"Stop!" Andromeda called to the driver. The taxi came to a halt. Andromeda handed the driver a galleon and got out of the taxi, leaving the driver very confused.  
  
"Ramar!" Andromeda called out, walking over to her friend. "What are you doing here? The SSS is in session, isn't it?"  
  
Ramar nodded. "I lost track of time." She said. "I was just on my way back. Are you going back the hotel?"  
  
"No." Andromeda said. "I have to leave. Severus and I had a bit of a row."  
  
"Really." Ramar said. "Might I ask why?"  
  
"Yes." Andromeda said.  
  
Ramar waited for Andromeda to explain, until she realized she had to ask. "Why?" she said, a bit irked.  
  
"Well, it's a long story." Andromeda replied.  
  
"Is their any way to avoid you telling it?" Ramar asked.  
  
"Nope." Andromeda continued.  
  
"Continue." Ramar said as she and Andromeda crossed a street.  
  
"Well it all began when I started going to Hogwarts." Andromeda began. "My brother, James, and his friends were a year above me. And so was Severus. I don't really remember first meeting him, but I was in his potions class."  
  
"Why were you a year ahead?" Ramar asked.  
  
"I had a bit of a talent for potions." Andromeda said, a bit proud. "Of course now, I can't tell the difference between Wiggentree Bark and a muffin. Hey, watch it, buddy!"  
  
A taxi almost ran them over as they crossed a street.  
  
"Sorry- New York is rubbing off on me." Andromeda continued. "Anyway, We were made partners in class, and I rather fancied him."  
  
Andromeda waited for a laugh or a comment, but none came.  
  
"But he had his eye on my best friend and future sister in law," she said, "Lily Evans. And that really hurt because there was nothing I could do. As the years wore on, Severus and I became friends, as I did with James's friends, Sirius and Remus. I never got credit for being a Marauder, though, those sexist bastards."  
  
Ramar was a bit confused now, but she let Andromeda continue.  
  
"Despite my friendship with many Gryffindor, my relationship with Severus was most important to me." Andromeda said. "He wasn't nearly as edgy back then. Actually, you know those silly little contracts that people have that say something like 'If so-and-so doesn't get married by so-and-so are some age, they marry each other?"  
  
"Yes." Ramar replied, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Well, we have one." Andromeda said, turning a bit pink. "It's a written document and everything. We agreed that if we both weren't married when we were 30, we'd marry each other."  
  
"And how old are you?" Ramar asked.  
  
"31." Andromeda replied. "But anyway, back to the story. When he graduated from Hogwarts, I seldom heard from him. When I graduated, I trained to be and became an Auror. That's when I found out Severus was a death eater. All my feelings I ever had for him vanished at that moment."  
  
Andromeda stopped talking. She was picturing it all in her mind.  
  
"And then?" Ramar asked.  
  
"I became number two on Voldemort's hit list." Andromeda said. "I would always come home to a death eater waiting in my house to kill me. But then, one night, no one came. I was very, very confused, even a bit paranoid. So I went over to see my brother, James, his wife, Lily and their new son, Harry. And-..."  
  
Andromeda paused again, this time in danger of crying.  
  
"And Albus Dumbledore was there. He told me that Voldemort had killed James and Lily. But Harry, my godson, was still alive and well. But because I was next on Voldemort's hit list, Dumbledore and I thought it best for Harry that I go into hiding, and he stay with his other horrid relatives. So I faked my own death, and left, coming around Harry's new home every once in a while. "It was awful. I was never a proper godmother for Harry. I was always the spider on the windowsill; the cat on the fence; a glass on the shelf. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. But when he was excepted to Hogwarts, I immediately applied for a job. Of course, I couldn't get one until Harry's 3rd year, but better late then never. "And that's when I ran into Severus again. I didn't recognize him at all, but when I did, the memories came flooding back, and so did the resentment. It wasn't until Dumbledore told me he trusted Severus that I realized he meant well. "But I wanted to start over with him. Just as friends. But today-..."  
  
Andromeda sighed and a tear streamed down her cheek.  
  
"Today what?" Ramar asked.  
  
"TodayseverusfoundoutwhoIreallywasandgotmad. The End." Andromeda said quickly, trying to spare herself the embarrassment of crying again.  
  
Ramar nodded.  
  
"What do I do now?" Andromeda asked.  
  
"I don't know," Ramar replied. "I've been on brain-screensaver from 'And Albus Dumbledore'."  
  
"A lot of help YOU are." Andromeda said, making a face. Ramar shrugged.  
  
~*~  
  
Remus and Sirius had decided to go find Andromeda, and unfortunately found Gilderoy in the lobby. Sirius had decided to check the airports, while he so lovingly placed Gilderoy in Remus's care. Remus and Gilderoy were currently on another bus, and Gilderoy was bouncing up and down singing his favorite song.  
  
"Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man..."  
  
Remus heaved a sigh and checked his watch for the umpteenth time.  
  
"Remus, do YOU know the muffin man?" Gilderoy asked.  
  
"I'm sorry, no." Remus said quickly.  
  
"I don't want to be a wizard anymore." Gilderoy said suddenly.  
  
"And what do you want to be, Gilderoy?" Remus asked, massaging his temples.  
  
Gilderoy smiled a 400-watt grin and began explaining his life to Remus.  
  
"I'm going to be a moose!" Gilderoy said.  
  
"Chocolate or vanilla?" Remus asked, not being able to think of something else to say.  
  
"No, a M-O-O-O-O-S!" Gilderoy replied.  
  
"I see." Remus replied. "And you think Andromeda will be Ok with you being a moose?"  
  
Gilderoy thought for a second. "Yes." He said. "If she loves me, it won't matter that I'm a moose."  
  
"Ah." Remus said. "What noise does a moose make, anyway?" he said, just to strike up conversation.  
  
"Quack." Gilderoy replied.  
  
"No, that's the sound a confused moose makes, which in your case, is right." Remus said.  
  
"Moooooooooooooooooooooose?" Gilderoy corrected. Remus just gave him a look. "Would you like to read the poem I wrote for Andromeda?"  
  
Without waiting for an answer, Gilderoy handed Remus a piece of crumpled paper. Remus squinted to read the smudged crayon.  
  
'NDRMDA S BYOOTFL. I LV HR SO MCH ND HR SKN S LK A FRIT.'  
  
"What is that word?" Remus asked, pointing to 'Frit'.  
  
"Ferret." Gilderoy said. Remus continued reading.  
  
'HR HARE S LK A NST OF BTS. SO BTOOTFL S SHEE,  
  
BT NT S BYOOTIFUL S GLDROY BYOOTIFUL LK A GRL HOO S PRTTEE  
  
BT NT LK ME.'  
  
The poem went on like that: calling Andromeda beautiful, but not as beautiful as Gilderoy.  
  
"What do you think?" Gilderoy asked.  
  
"I think you should buy a vowel." Remus replied.  
  
"Aren't those those little rat things?" Gilderoy asked.  
  
"That's a vole." Remus corrected.  
  
"Do you think Sirius's found Andromeda yet?" Gilderoy asked.  
  
"With any luck," Remus said, "Sirius has her back at the hotel already."  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
Sirius was in the airport trying to shove a galleon into the soda machine.  
  
~*~  
  
Severus had hijacked a helicopter and was weaving it through buildings, terrifying everyone. He was a bit disappointed, as the people who owned the helicopter just gave it to him. He didn't get to hex anyone. Damn. Every once in a while, he'd fly up REALLY close to the ground, and ask a passerby if they had seen Andromeda. Everyone he asked either screamed, called the police, or asked him if he was looking for a good time.  
  
~*~  
  
End chapter. Yip. Chapter-y goodness... 


	21. The SSS Goes Down Quite Simply

'I wish I knew how to land this thing...' Severus was thinking as he almost crashed into a taxicab. After moments of looking aimlessly for some kind of 'off' button, he decided he was going to do what he REALLY wanted to... crash landing.  
  
Severus skimmed the city for a nice, open place to crash. 'That big tree looks pretty cozy.' Severus though as he turned around the helicopter and flew towards the tree. The anticipation grew unbearable: finally, Severus would be able to cause some mischief! But then, the helicopter just landed.  
  
It was really bizarre, and really unexpected, but whatever Severus did, he did it right, and he was now resting on the ice skating rink, surrounded by confused tourists.  
  
"DAMN IT!" Severus yelled. "WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?"  
  
Severus began pulling out his hair, when a familiar voice called out his name.  
  
"Snape?" Sirius came running down the rink, miraculously not falling or sliding into anything or anyone.  
  
"What do you want, Black?" Severus asked. "Can't you see I'm mourning the perfect landing of my heci-lopter?"  
  
"Um..." Black tried to think of something in response. "Right. Anyway- Have you found Annie?"  
  
"Obviously not." Snape snapped. "And I take it neither have you. You wasn't at a single airport?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Did you check them all?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Black," Snape said suspiciously, "Empty your pockets."  
  
Reluctantly, Sirius emptied the contents of his one center pocket: a bunch of squished up Galleons.  
  
"You tried to put them into a vending machine again, didn't you?"  
  
~*~  
  
"Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, dirty little birdie feet-..." Gilderoy sang at the top of his lungs.  
  
By now, everyone in the bus had moved as far away from Gilderoy and Remus as humanly possible, and even the bus driver was starting to look like he was going to go into conniptions.  
  
"French fried eye balls, floating in a bowl of snot-..."  
  
The bus came to a screeching halt. Gilderoy's face flew up against the seat in front of him. His crushing nose made a "squeak" sound.  
  
"THAT'S IT!" The bus driver yelled, opened the bus doors. "GET OUT BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!"  
  
"But I haven't finished the song yet!" Gilderoy whined.  
  
"You can finish it outside, Gilderoy." Remus replied, pushing Gilderoy out of the bus. As the bus drove away, Remus could vaguely hear the sound of cheering bus occupants.  
  
"Now what?" Remus asked himself.  
  
"Ooh!" Gilderoy said, pointing up at a giant Christmas tree. "Just like the one in that movie about that guy who tried to steal that holiday."  
  
"How The Grinch Stole Christmas?" Remus asked.  
  
"No..." Gilderoy replied. "The one with the muffins."  
  
Remus decided not to kindle the flame of Gilderoy's 'muffin' story, mostly because it was not a real thing: only the spawn of an idiot who sat in front of the microwave one too many times.  
  
"MOONY!" Sirius's voice called to Remus. Remus turned in time to see Sirius standing next to a helicopter, complete with Snape in the cockpit trying to steer the thing into a wall.  
  
"Any luck?" Remus asked as he walked towards them, dragging Gilderoy behind him.  
  
"Nope." Sirius replied. "I broke every vending machine in every airport in New York, though!"  
  
"Kudos." Remus said sarcastically. "I'm glad you're so absorbed in your mission."  
  
"I hate you all so much." Severus was muttering silently as he banged his head against the helicopter stick. "I wonder if this helicopter could go in reverse and- Is that Andromeda?"  
  
Remus and Sirius swung around and saw Andromeda and Ramar Raven standing up above the skating rink.  
  
"I reckon she's not about to come willingly." Sirius said.  
  
"Oh, I have everything figured out." Snape said, pulling out a potato sack with the words 'potatoes' crossed out and replaced with the crudely written legend, 'kidnapping bag.'  
  
~*~  
  
As Sirius, Severus, Remus and Gilderoy ran back to the hotel, carting along the kidnapping bag, muffled screams could be heard blocks away.  
  
"You know this is illegal, don't you?" Andromeda's muffled voice yelled.  
  
"What?" Severus asked.  
  
"KIDNAPPING!" Andromeda replied, kicking the inside of the bag. "And WAND PROOFING IT!" She added, as the spell she just tried bounced off the bag.  
  
Severus smirked.  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO ARE LETTING HIM DO THIS!" She yelled, directing the comment to Sirius and Remus, who bit their lips nervously, anticipating the havoc that would break loose when Andromeda was released.  
  
"I'll let you go under one condition." Severus replied, holding the bag away from him so Andromeda's flaying arms wouldn't hit him. "You have to help me deal with the SSS."  
  
~*~  
  
The SSS was a rowdy group. From all over the world, the girls sat in great huddles and anticipated ever subject of the meeting, such as Top Ten lists and various encounters with Professor Snape himself.  
  
"So, anyway," The SSS girl named Jackie was going on, "During a potions class, I could have sworn I saw in his desk-..."  
  
The main doors of the room swung open with a clunk, and in walked Severus Snape, accompanied by a roughed-up looking Andromeda Stone, and a sheepish Remus and Sirius.  
  
"I want to be a sheep too!" Gilderoy told the author.  
  
Ok. Gilderoy is a sheep too.  
  
"Thank you." Said Gilderoy.  
  
The screaming in the room was that of which only dogs could hear.  
  
"Professor Snape, can I have your autograph?" "Professor Snape, are you single?"  
  
They were all rumbling towards him, holding out pens and papers, throwing under-things at him and one of them was breaking out into show-tunes. (There's one in every family.) But with a calm flick of his wrist, and an uttered "Ricusemptrum", all the girls flew across the room and into an unconscious heap.  
  
"Good." Severus said. "That wasn't so hard. No we'll just erase their memories, and-..."  
  
"Not so fast!" A familiar woman's voice echoed through the hall. Everyone turned to see someone no one thought had anything to do with this mess.  
  
~*~ COMMERCIAL BREAK! ~*~  
  
"Gloria?" Remus exclaimed.  
  
The voice was indeed Gloria's and the body that produced it soon apperated to the area right in front of our heroes.  
  
"Yes, Gloria!" Gloria exclaimed. "I am the leader of all the SSS!"  
  
(Insert thunder and lightning here)  
  
"Wait, wait, wait..." Andromeda began. "I thought you loved Remus, but dumped him for Gilderoy."  
  
"I do love Gilderoy." Gloria admitted. "Actually, I loved Snape until I met Gilderoy."  
  
"So if you don't love Snape anymore, why stand in our way?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Because..." Gloria stuttered. "Oh, just shut up, and prepare to die, etceteras."  
  
"This is just stupid." Andromeda whispered. "On three, ricusemptra. One, two..."  
  
"RICUSEMPTRA!" Everyone yelled.  
  
"PIGGLY WIGGLY!" Gilderoy yelled.  
  
Gloria flew back and landed on the pile of unconscious SSS members.  
  
"That was pointless." Sirius commented.  
  
After Remus had completed a proper memory eraser charm, the group made their way back into the lobby.  
  
"I'm sorry I lied to you about who I was." Andromeda told Severus when they were back in their room. "Even though I don't blame you if you hate me."  
  
"Don't be silly, Andromeda." Severus replied. "I've ALWAYS hated you."  
  
~*~  
  
Life at Hogwarts was back to normal again. Severus and Andromeda returned realizing that they hadn't left a sub for their classes, and everyone was searching for them under the belief that Voldemort kidnaped them. Oops.  
  
"I'm glad we're back." Andromeda said, after a particularly ignorant potions class.  
  
"And no more SSS to deal with." Severus added. "What's that?"  
  
Severus pointed to a pink slip of paper that was left by a student in the last class. He walked over and picked it up. "Oh no." he muttered.  
  
"What?" Andromeda asked, a bit worried.  
  
"It says AAA." Severus said. "The Andromeda Assault Association."  
  
THE END  
  
~*~  
  
Yay! I hoped you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Special thanks to the people that have stuck with me since day one of fic one. If you like the Andromeda and Snape stories, there's a sequel to this one entitled "Snape's Stupefying Sequence" (I like S's) in which Snape and Stone are hired to keep Gilderoy away from the war against Voldemort so he won't screw anything up. It's the usual psycho-humour. Thanks! -Jerri 


End file.
